Page 4 of Friends to WHAT?!

My heart cracks in two, then four, then a trillion pieces.

I scoop my precious daughter into my arms and carry her across the open floor plan to the couch, where I flop and tuck her close to my chest. “We do love her,” I agree. “And you know she loves us, too. She says so every letter, right there at the bottom. But sometimes someone can love someone else and that still means that they aren’t going to be together. Sometimes people have their own things they have to work through. Sometimes…” Sometimes they just aren’t brave enough to handle the messy, scary, terrifying emotion, and they run, or they shield themselves, or they hold back, perpetuating their fear until it controls them so much that the very idea that they might be able to take the reins back seems laughable. And sometimes that’s selfish behavior that hurts the ones they love, and sometimes it’s simply self-protective.

Sometimes, people are people, and it has nothing at all to do with little girls who haven’t lived enough to truly understand what that means.

“Sometimes you just have to try even when you’re scared,” Amia finishes before I can gather enough of my ownsometimesto form an answer she’ll comprehend. “That’s what you tell me, right?”

Hersometimeskind of blows mine out of the water, huh? And that’s cool. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. She can just take my own advice and use it against me to back up herkidnappingschemes. Absolutely no problems there.

I flounder, trying to think of a response that doesn’t invalidate past teachings and also doesn’t putabductionon the table as a viable option.

I… cannot think of a response that doesn’t invalidate past teachings or put abduction on the table as a viable option.

“I do tell you that,” I hedge, buying time.

“So then you should at leasttryto get Miss Leora to be with us for real, right? I like mailing her letters, but I wish she was here in person. You say that it’s important to tell the people you love that you love them as often as possible, and she only gets told once a week! How will she remember? How will she know we really mean it?”

Man, I sure do say a lot of things, don’t I?

“She knows that we love her,” I assure. “That is not in question.”

“Yeah,” Amia pouts. “Maybe foryou. I’m just a kid, though. I need a lot of reassuring. You said so.”

Seriously. So many things flying out of my mouth all willy-nilly.

“I’m not going to kidnap her,” I say firmly, to her and to myself. “I am going to respect her wishes to be left alone. Because a ‘no’ is a ‘no’, something Ialsosay, yes?”

Amia huffs. “Yes.”

I nod, pat myself on the back for that bout of good parenting, and hope it leads to more of the same. I did not let my child think non-consensual kidnapping was okay today. Tomorrow, I will continue to not let her think non-consensual kidnapping is okay. Several more days of such a lesson, and I’m sure to win the Best Father Award by the end of the year.

Amia snuggles deeper into my chest, giving up—for now. I’m no fool. I know she’ll bring it up again, tomorrow or the next day or the next. And I know that when that happens, I need to havesomething to say to her. I need to find a way to convince her that Leora’s no tomeis not a rejection ofher.

I wrap my girl in my arms, being careful not to crush her as I sigh. Then, I dig my phone out of my back pocket, snap a photo of the two of us together, and send it to the family group chat with the message: “This sweet little pumpkin suggested we perpetrate a kidnapping tonight. Almond, count your days.”

I ignore the incoming “awww”s and “give the girl what she wants!”s to swipe to my message thread with Sterne Donovan, local firefighter and my best friend, if you don’t count Leora. Which I don’t… out loud. Because that would hurt Sterne’s feelings, and there’s no use doing that when Leora doesn’t even want to breathe the same air as me. Should she change her mind, I can revisit how much I care about Sterne’s fragile ego.

Wolfe:Can you meet tonight?

Sterne:So last minute? Admit it, you’re obsessed with me.

Wolfe:Can’t get enough. 9:00 work? After Amia goes to bed?

Sterne:I’ll be there.

I stare at those three words until my screen goes black, and I let them be a balm to the angry gash three other words have dug into my skin.

He’ll be here. And I have others, too, who would be here if I asked.

Leora just isn’t one of them, and maybe she never will be.

That gash digs deep and spreads wider, making me wince.

Maybe I should leave the risk taking to other people from now on. Maybe being passive and cowardly isn’t so bad. Sure, my brother almost gave himself brain damage because I was unable to find the bravery to help him when Iknewhe wasn’t okay. And,sure, I was also unable to find the bravery to go after Amia’s mother to at the very least get answers when she left my sweet girl at my door and bolted out of October as fast as she could. And… okay. No. Being a coward was not actually any better than what I feel right now. Being a coward means hurting the people I love, and teaching Amia that letting our loved ones suffer is okay. I can’t do that. For so many reasons, Ican’tdo that.

A stone falls in my gut, and Leora’s letter flashes behind my eyes.

Sorry, but no.