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Ajit raised a hand in acknowledgment and cantered off.
‘Why the devil did you do it?’ Nick turned in the saddle and searched her face. ‘Your father is beside himself with worry.’
‘I am sorry. You came because of him, then?’ Not for me.
‘I came for both of us! You were going to marry me, I thought you were reconciled to that. I thought you were happy.’
‘I was. But I cannot marry a lord.’
‘I am not—’
‘You will be. You will be a marquis and I am no wife for you. You know that; we talked about what a wife of a lord must be, and a marquis is a very important lord, almost a prince.’
‘Anusha, I do not want to be a marquis.’ He sounded so violently miserable that she wanted to take him in her arms and kiss him.
‘Papa said you could not do anything about it. That you would be one and that he knew you would do your duty, and I know he is right, for you would not do anything dishonourable.’
‘Anusha... Damn it, I can’t talk to you on horseback like this. Look, let us sit down there.’
There was a small shrine set on the edge of the fields, its stone platform so like the one where they had spent that first night that Anusha caught her breath. Silent, she let him lead the way, then slid down from the saddle and sat on the edge of the platform, her knees drawn up, arms tight around them as if somehow she could contain the misery.
Nick stood in front of her, hands clasped behind his back. Perhaps he did not trust himself not to touch her. ‘I know I cannot avoid it. If I outlive my father, then it is my destiny to inherit.’
She nodded. Destiny—fate—she believed in that. It was her fate to love this man. And to lose him.
‘But I cannot do it without you, Anusha. No—’ he held up a hand to stop her protest ‘—I know what I said. I know how hard it will be for you, that I have no right to ask it of you, but I will fight anyone who tries to insult you, override anyone who tries to bar you from any privilege due to a marchioness. I cannot do it without you.’
Chapter Twenty-One
‘But I know nothing! Why do you need me?’ He needs me? Anusha hardly dared breathe.
‘Because I love you,’ he said, his eyes intense on her face. ‘Because I do not think I can live without you.’ She gasped, dizzy with disbelief and hope, as Nick pressed on, like a man fighting against odds to express himself.
‘No, let me explain. I did not realise, I had no idea what love for a woman felt like. Who have I ever loved in my life except for Mary and George, my surrogate parents? It was not until we were searching, questioning everyone along the northern gates and I was so...so afraid, that I realised what it was, why I felt as if half of my being had been torn away.’ His voice, usually so strong, so certain, shook with the emotion that gripped him.
‘I know you do not love me, Anusha. I realise that you agreed to marry me because it was the only way out of your problems.’ He turned on his heel and took a step away from her, looking out over the field as though he could not bear to see her rejection on her face, as though he left her free to tell him that she did not want him.
When, speechless, she did not answer, he went on doggedly, baring his heart and soul to her to be torn apart. ‘But we have friendship and desire, surely? That is a start. We do not have to go to England now. My father is alive and well, by all accounts, and he will not want me back any more than I want to go. It may be years before we must return. Time for you to become accustomed, perhaps to grow to love me a little.’
Anusha slid down from the wall and crossed the dusty earth until she was standing by his side. ‘You love me?’
‘Yes.’ He was still looking into the distance. ‘I am sorry, I do not want to make you feel you have to stay, to marry me, because of how I feel. I won’t ask more of you than you feel able to give. It is just that I—’
‘I love you, Nicholas.’ Unable to bear his pain any longer, Anusha took his hand and he looked down at her, green eyes blazing. It must be true, she thought, almost dizzy with joy. It is not a dream. I can feel him, here, skin to skin, pulse to pulse. ‘I love you too, so much that it felt as though I was cutting out my heart when I left you. I thought that to leave you was the only honourable thing to do, because you had never wanted to marry me in the first place. Oh!’
He pulled her to him so fast that she lost her footing, was lifted and kissed until she was dizzy and then hugged so close that she could hardly breathe. ‘Nick!’
