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“Everything.”
Fuck.
“I think I’m going to lose my job,” he says with slurred words. “And I’ve lost my family… and?—”
“You’re not losing me.” I cut in, needing to stop that thought before it even begins.
His breath shudders softly… and then it breaks. I hear the hitch of his restrained sobs, with short, broken bursts between shallow pulls of air, as if crying hurts too much but holding it in hurts worse.
I rub my hand over my face, hating that all I can do is listen while he breaks apart on the other end of the phone. I’m doing what I have to do to protect him and everyone I love… but it doesn’t feel like enough.
“And you didn’t lose your family,” I say, trying to keep my voice steady. I saw the look in their eyes when I took him away. They’re not giving up easily.
His job, though… I don’t know what’s going on. But since he’s home on a Thursday afternoon, drunk, I can take a wild guess.
“Magnolia cares, you know,” I say.
Cade doesn’t say anything, so I keep going.
“They’re pretty and gentle… but strong as hell under the surface. And they know how to balance their softness with their backbone. They stand up against a lot… and they’re always ready to lean on.”
“I don’t have a magnolia tree,” he says quietly.
I smile. “Yes, you do.” Then I pause and draw in a breath. “And I think it’s time to let her help you.”
Cade is quiet for a moment, and I listen as his breaths even out, and his sniffling slows.
“I don’t know how to do this,” he says.
I nod, staring out at the horizon where the sky meets the edge of the water and seems to disappear. “Not yet. You will.” I draw in another breath of the salty air. “I don’t know when I’ll be back. I’m hoping it’s only a few more days… but when I get home, I’ll be there for you, baby. Whatever you need.” Then I pause. “On one condition.”
“What?” he asks
“You still have to be bad.”
A small, watery chuckle sounds through the speaker, and my heart thumps a little harder.
“Only if you be worse.”
I smile, letting my own chuckle out.
He’ll be ok.
He has to be.
FORTY-FIVE
The physics buildinglooms over me like it’s grown taller overnight, and I just stare up at it. This place used to feel like a refuge, where I could dive into questions no one else could answer, and where I could lose myself in problems and come out with proof in my hands. Now it just looks like a vault for everything I don’t know how to face.
I shift my bag on my shoulder, and the bottle inside sloshes and shifts against my laptop as a reminder of what I dragged along with me. I left the half-drunk bottle of rum in my bag today… in case I need it.
I fucking hate that.
I don’t even know if I’m supposed to be here. I walked away from everything yesterday. Omar’s patience, Spencer’s deadline, my own students... Now the final exam is just a week away, Spencer’s deadline is even closer, and I feel emptier than ever. I don’t know how to hold myself together long enough to get through any of this.
My body feels heavy, and I can barely find the energy to walk into the building. And I have no idea what I’m going to do if I see Omar. I’m just… done.
My fingers twitch as I consider reaching into my bag and taking a drink to help me get through this. To help me walk through the door and face the day.
