Page 95 of The Jaded Notes

Jax’s hand presses firmer into my back, grounding me in the collapse.

My insides hollow. “Will you ever forgive me?”

Chapter Twenty-One

CALLUM/CASH

Then

One Month Later

Sinful Sensations & Frivolous Fantasies

When the world tries to burn me down, I’ll take them with me.

Istand on the arena stage in Paris and can’t believe Mayhem is playing in the city where Livianna lives.

There’s a chance I could see her in mere hours. My heart pounds harder for that than for the thrill of playing for an audience this size.

Bren slaps my back as he struts by. “It seems like just yesterday we were playing for Ur Boyz, and now look at us.”

“I disagree.” I turn to face him. “Feels like a lifetime ago.”

Cooper huffs. “You complaining, asshole?”

“No. I’m just saying I’m gonna be twenty-three in December, but I feel like I’m fifty.” I search the stage for the mic stand.

“You’re just tired.” Hawke stands back, scrutinizing the crew who’s setting up his drum kit. “Hey, take it easy. You scratched it the last time you put it up.”

He marches off to manage them. Bren straps on his guitar while Cooper checks out the stadium.

The band ribs each other as they prepare for tonight’s show, but I can’t pay attention. My mind grips onto thoughts of Livianna like a pit bull clamps down on a bone. She consumes me.

“Cash, you gonna ignore me for the rest of soundcheck?” Bren tightens his guitar strings to his liking.

“I’m not ignoring you. I’m just getting my shit together. Why? What’d you say?” I secure the mic to the stand and peer over at Bren.

“I asked you what your plans are after the show.” Bren rolls his eyes at Cooper. “Not sure if he’s better like this or high. At least when he was using every day, I knew why he wasn’t paying attention.”

“Fuck that.” Cooper grabs his bass and slings the strap over his shoulder. “I’ll take his distraction over drugs any day. That’s not to say I don’t like partying with you, Cash. I just despised it when you were wrecked before every concert.”

Just the mention of drugs makes my cravings scream. I might not be taking them as much, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to. It sucks trying to get through my abuse without something constant flowing in my veins to numb me.

“Can we drop it and focus on what we’re here to do?” I snatch a water bottle off the platform by Hawke’s drums.

“Sure, bro, but do you wanna hang out after the show or not?” He gestures to me. “Hand me one of those?”

I get him some water and hand it to him. “I would, but I’m meeting someone after we’re done.”

They all stop what they’re doing. The room falls silent.

“What?” I glance around at all of them. “I’m not allowed to go out?”

“What’s your plan, Cash?” Bren moves to my side.

“Nothing to be concerned about, Guns.” I twist off the lid of my bottle. “It’s a business thing.”

Cooper eyes me like he’s trying to translate whatever I’m not saying.