Page 131 of The Jaded Notes

Working things out with Jax will have to wait. I try not to think about what Bren told me about Callum, or how getting high made everything both better and worse.

The guilt sits in my stomach like spoiled food, a constant reminder that I’m sliding backward into habits I swore I’d left behind. Maybe I can’t handle the pressure.

It’s Thursday afternoon and I’m resting on the back deck when I notice Jax strolling up from the private beach. His dark hair catches the sunlight with hues of gold and chocolate.

God, this man takes my breath away.

He moves with a confident grace that suggests he owns whatever space he occupies. And right now, that includes the stretch of sand I’ve been claiming as mine.

He opens the security gate and marches up a stone path that leads to the patio exactly where I’m sitting.

“Tell me what’s wrong with you, Livianna. It’s been days since you’ve had any contact with me.” He doesn’t bother with pleasantries.

“Nothing.” I straighten my shoulders, trying to project composure. “I’ve been swamped with life.”

“It’s not that, and you know it.” He climbs the wooden steps, his eyes cataloging every detail of my appearance. “You look like you haven’t slept in days.”

“Thanks for the compliment.”

“Livianna…” The gentle authority in his tone stops me cold. “Talk to me.”

“There’s nothing to say.”

He settles beside me on a lounge chair, close enough that I can smell his cologne mixed with salt air. “You were with Brendan again, weren’t you?”

Dammit! How does he know?

“Why would you think that?”

“Because you said you were meeting an old friend, and your mother thought it was strange you referred to him as that. Every time you speak to him or see him, you have a negative reaction that falls back on me.” Jax’s fingers find mine and he intertwines them. “What happened this time?”

I want to lie, deflect, and build walls high enough that he can’t see how thoroughly his question has wrecked me. Instead, I find myself telling him the truth.

“It’s not about him.” My words come out small. “It’s what I did.”

“And what would that be?”

I bite my lip and gaze at my lap. “I smoked with him.”

“You got high?”

“Just that day. Just to stop hurting for a few hours.” Tears spill over, hot against my cheeks. “I’m so fucking tired of pain, Jax. I’m tired of carrying all this weight and pretending it doesn’t matter. I should be able to deal with life like you do, but I’m not nearly as strong as you.”

He pulls me against his chest, his arms wrapping around me like armor against the world. “What did Brendan and you talk about?”

“Something that changes everything and nothing at the same time.” I press my face into Jax’s shirt, breathing in the calming scent of him. “Something I can’t undo, fix, or make right.”

There’s a moment where he seems to take it in. He gives me a squeeze and pulls away.

“I’m sorry, Jax. I just needed some time to get my head on straight.”

“There’s nothing to apologize for. We all slide backwardsometimes, especially when we’re overwhelmed. The important thing is that you recognize it and don’t let it become a pattern.”

“So you’re not angry with me?”

“No. You told me the truth, didn’t lie, and didn’t try to manipulate me. And I’m sure seeing me with Cindy didn’t help much. In some ways, I’m responsible for this situation just as much as you are.”

“How are you so understanding about everything?”