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There’s no one else in here, so I duck into one of the three stalls and shut the door. I watch through the cracks of the door as Chaucer enters the room. He’s wearing jeans and a t-shirt like most of the men in this bar, yet somehow he stands out and looks high-end. Seeing him again makes me excited and heart-broken at the same time. Could this really be the same man from the articles I read on the internet? A thief, and possibly a killer? I like to think I’m a good judge of character. I didn’t pick up on anything nefarious from Chaucer. He seemed so genuine. Maybe that’s just because we were in bed together most of the time. If we had met at a bar instead, would I still have thought the same? It was easy to trust him because he was supposed to be vetted by Mosaic’s club. Now I don’t know what to think.
I didn’t think I would ever see him again. I was determined to make a clean break with the baby-making club and him. I wasn’t looking back. But now that he’s right in front of me, all I want to do is reach out and touch him. I realize in this moment just how much I’ve missed him. I want so badly to say something to him, but what? And more importantly, why? There’s no future for us.
He goes to the sink and washes his hands. As soon as the water turns off and the room is silent, my phone chirps.
I suck in a breath and plaster myself against wall. The walls are grimy and disgusting, but right now I really don’t care. This isn’t good. If he looks under the door of the stall he’ll see a pair of high heels. I climb up on the toilet and hover there. He doesn’t make a sound. I can’t see him from here. I’m holding my breath, waiting to see what happens next. Then the bathroom door opens and I hear the sound of footsteps leaving.
I take in a deep breath and step off of the toilet. That was close. Now I have to exit the bar and pay my tab without running into him. This should be interesting.
As I leave the bathroom, I realize how ridiculous it is to worry about him seeing me. It’s not like I followed him here. I’m not breaking the rules if we run into each other by accident outside of the baby-making club. We live in the same city; it’s bound to happen to someone at some point.
I relax a little and head toward the bar. If he even notices me, I’ll say hello, and it won’t be a big deal. Now that I’ve given into the idea of seeing him again, I’m more excited—nervous, but excited. I need to act surprised when I see him—but not too surprised or he’ll know I’m lying.
My hands are shaking with nervous energy as I approach the bar. My mind is a tornado of different things I could say to him, excuses as to why I haven’t confirmed future appointments. I start to think it wouldn’t be so bad if I saw him and we struck up a conversation. Maybe I could get a little background on the awful stories I read about him. What would it hurt to discover he isn’t the bad guy as portrayed in the news? As I get closer to the bar, the idea of seeing him again makes my cheeks flush and I can feel the smile forming on my lips.
But when I get to the bar, he’s not there. Neither is his friend. I scan the bar from the front door to the back, where the pool tables are lined up. No sight of him. They must have left. My heart sinks. I’m so stupid for getting my hopes up. I tell myself that maybe this is for the best. But it doesn’t feel like it.
Once I’ve paid my tab, I go home and flop on the couch and feel sorry for myself, drowning my sorrows in double fudge brownie ice cream and kick myself for not saying something to him when I had the chance.
8
At work the next day, all I can think about is Chaucer. That seems to be a theme with me lately. Everything reminds me of him. Every time I see a tall stranger with his same hair color and build walking down the street, I peer expectantly, hoping to it’s him. I’m completely under his spell.
Megan finds me huddled at my desk on my lunch break.
“What are you doing here sulking all by yourself?” she says, sitting on the edge of my desk, holding a hotdog. That girl never stops eating. Is that what being pregnant is like, being hungry all the time? Aside from having a baby, I want to be pregnant. I want to experience everything there is about bringing a new life into this world. What an amazing responsibility.
