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She believes she loves me because she thought she had theoptionto, but she didn’t. I’ve worked so fucking hard to give her back control of her life, but I didn’t give upeverything,and I lied to her about it. I’ve had so many opportunities to tell her, but I kept lying to her because I wanted her to give me a chance, and then because I didn’t want to ruin my chance, and now because I want to keep her.

She told me she wanted to choose me, and I didn’t believe she would, but I was wrong. Based on how absolutely in love with me she thinks she is, I’m starting to suspect that she still would have given me a shot if I’d told her about the tracker right after Christmas.

I wish I could tell her about it now, beg for forgiveness, tell her that I never checked her location, neverkind of, sort of, technicallystalked her after she asked me not to, but that would be another lie.

I’m so fucking tired of lying to her.

I stupidly thought I could just fix it by taking the tracker out, but that won’t fix it. I can take it out and pretend that everythingis fine, but no matter what, I’ll always know that she can’t truly love me back. I told her at one point that I’d take whatever she was offering, but that feels wrong to me now.

I know I can make her happy, I know she can love me, I know this can work for real, I know that she can want me the way I want her, and I wantthatso badly it hurts.

I wouldn’t be in this situation if I’d just killed myself when I had the motivation, which I probably should have done. It would have saved us both a lot of pain, because she’ll be fucking devastated if she finds out.

I look down at Alex’s relaxed, sleeping face, and I think about how incandescently happy she was this weekend. For a second, I wonder if I could deal with hating myself forever just to keep making her that happy, but I know I’m too fucking selfish for that.

I want to be that happy, too.

I slip out of bed, making sure she doesn’t wake up as I change into running clothes, and I lean in the doorway for a moment to watch her sleep, feeling a deep ache of longing as I stare at her. She’s such a wonderful person, and I’m a miserable, selfish fucking bastard.

I need to make an impossible choice, and I have to do it tonight. I can either lie and keep her forever, or I can tell her the truth and lose her forever.

I can’t stand the idea of spending a life with her knowing she can’t love me back, but I can’t lose her.

I have no idea what to do.

I’m fucking trapped.

47

DANNY

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 22

The alert hits my phone just as I get home from work with a 96% match, but I’m not getting my hopes up. It wouldn’t be the first time the facial recognition software has given me a false match, and the alerts have been coming in less frequently for almost a year.

The first few times it found matches, itwasher, mostly on security cameras. I flew out to look for her anywhere she popped up, and I contacted the local police to help me. She was careful, even changing her clothes a few times to try and hide, but there are so many goddamn cameras everywhere now that it was easy to track her as far as Seattle before she completely disappeared.

I don’t want to give up on her, but I’m almost positive my poor Bunny’s dead.

I shower before I pour myself a drink and head to my office, exhausted from work and expecting disappointment. When the software gives me a photo from a website in Oregon, and the girl in the picture is in a Pilates class at a recreation center, I pay attention. I set my drink down and lean in closer, unsure if it’s her. Her hair and body are different from Bunny’s, but I try not to get hopeful when I look closely at her face.

That honestly might be her. She’s got the same nose, the same big eyes, and the same shaped lips. I look up at the painting of her as a little girl holding the white bunny, and I realize the expression on the woman’s face is eerily similar.

Oh my god, I think I found her.

How thefuckdid she disappear like that?

I call Captain Rodriguez to let him know that I found a promising lead on my wife, and I put in an immediate time off request. He approves it because he’s a good guy, even though he probably thinks it's another dead end.

People don’t want to say it to my face, but everyone thinks she’s dead.

At first, when I thought something bad happened to her, I was a fucking wreck, but I didn’t tell anyone once I finally noticed the money was gone and realized she’d run away.

I still don’t understandwhyshe ran from me.

Sure, we got into a fight the night before, but couples fight. She was being so disrespectful, drunk and screaming at me about ruining her life, calling me all sorts of horrible things, and I couldn’t help but lose my temper with her.

I was a jackass, maybe, but she needed to be put in her place.