Page 45 of Regretting Youu

He nods, but barely.

“Where’s Elijah’s diaper bag?”

Jonah walks to the car and opens the back door. He hands me the diaper bag. He stares down at the concrete beneath his feet, waiting for me to walk away.

“You’re all he has, Jonah.”

He lifts his head and stares at me a moment and then slowly shakes his head. “Actually, you’re all he has. He’s your sister’s child. He has absolutely nothing of me in him.” His words don’t come out with the vengeance that was coursing through him earlier. Now he’s just quiet and broken.

I look at him pleadingly. I can’t imagine what this must be like for him, so I’m doing my best not to judge his reaction, but he loves Elijah. There’s no way he can walk away from an infant he’s raised for two months, no matter how hurt he is right now. He’ll end up regretting this. I soften my own voice when I speak. “You’re the only parent he knows. Go home. Sleep it off. Come back and get him in the morning.”

I walk back to my house. I don’t mean to slam the door, but I do, and it startles Elijah. He begins to cry. Clara is seated on the couch with him, so I take him out of her arms so she can get back to bed.

“What’s wrong with Jonah?” she asks. “He seemed angry.”

I play it down as much as I can, even though I know I’m a terrible liar. “He’s just exhausted. I offered to keep Elijah for the night to give him a break.”

Clara stares at me for a moment. She knows I’m lying, but she doesn’t press me. She does roll her eyes when she passes me, though.

When she’s back in her room, I take Elijah to my bedroom and sit down on the bed, holding him. He’s wide awake now, but he’s no longer crying.

He’s smiling.

And Jonah is right. When he smiles, there’s a deep dimple that forms in the center of his chin.

He looks exactly like Chris.