Page 130 of Regretting Youu

“Maybe.”

“It’s still not an excuse, though.”

“You’re right. It’s not.”

She lays her head back on my shoulder. I kiss the top of her head, but she doesn’t see the tears that begin to roll down my cheeks. It just feels so good to finally have this conversation with her. It feels good to know that my daughter is a lot more emotionally equipped for the truth than I assumed she was.

“All the stuff I’ve done—it’s not Miller’s fault. He just tried to be there for me. I don’t want you to hate him.”

She doesn’t need to convince me anymore. When I found out he tried to talk her out of having sex with him, I stopped hating him. And then when he apologized to me tonight, I actually started to like him. “I don’t hate him. I actually kind of like him. I’d like him more if he never sneaks into your room again. But I do like him.”

“He won’t,” she says. “I swear.”

“Mrs. Nettle will tell on you, anyway.”

She lifts her head. “Is that how you found out?”

“Sometimes it pays to have the nosiest neighbor alive.”

Clara laughs, but when she sees my tears, her smile fades. I wave it off. “They’re good tears. I promise.”

She shakes her head. “My God. We have been so mean to each other.”

I nod in agreement. “I didn’t think we had it in us.”

“You grounded me from reading books,” she says, laughing.

“You called me predictable.”

“Well, you definitely proved me wrong.”

Somehow, we’re both smiling. I’m appreciative she took the news so well. I realize her feelings could change again tomorrow. She’ll go through a lot of emotions, I’m sure. But for right now, I’m grateful to have this moment with her.

Maybe that’s something I need to learn to cherish a little more. Our relationship isn’t always going to be sunshine and roses, but whenever there’s a break in the storm, I need to take advantage of those breaks. No matter what mood I’m in or what’s going on in my own life, I need to bask in these moments of sunshine with Clara.

“Can we start with a clean slate? Like . . . can we just forget the weed and the detention and the alcohol and the skipping school? I really want my phone back.”

“That’s not all you did wrong,” I say.

“I know, but I was running out of breath. The list is really long.”

Despite everything she’s gone through, I’m still convinced she needs to be grounded. But she’s not the only one who wants to start with a clean slate. I’m not exactly proud of my own behavior.

“I’ll tell you what. I’ll give you back your phone if you promise to stop making fun of me for preferring cable TV over streaming.”

Clara stares at me very seriously. “Oh, man. I don’t know . . .”

“Clara!”

She laughs. “Fine. Deal.”