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There’s silence on the other end and it causes me to wince.

“Jackson,” Ella says quietly. “Why do you want to know?”

“Uhm,” I muse, in what I hope is a convincing tone.

“Jackson Harper.” My sister repeats, more firmly.

“What!” I exclaim, “Am I not allowed to ask?”

“About events from thirteen years ago? You’re allowed to ask but I’m allowed to ask why.”

“Y’know what? Forget I said anything, forget we had this conversation.”

I could hang up, but I don’t. Instead I listen to the dead air, and occasional yap from Nina’s new puppy.

Finally, Ella sighs. “Fine, I’ll drop it for now.”

“Thank you,” I say, pulling at my beard.

“Yeah, yeah. Listen, I’m nearly home now and I have to get this one inside, so I have to go.”

“Okay,” I say. “Say hi to everyone for me.”

“I will. Jackie?” she asks.

“Hmm?”

“Is she okay?”

I nod my head even if she can’t see me. “Yeah.” I let out a long breath as a smile tugs at my mouth. “Yeah, she’s fucking amazing.”

I hear Ella’s smile through the phone.

“Okay, next time you call me I want a real update,” she announces.

I huff a laugh, “You got it.”

Well I don’t know what I wanted to get from that conversation, and I can’t tell if I got it.

I can’t tell them yet, even if Ella now basically knows. I don’t know if Rosie wants to tell anyone, if we evencantell anyone. Don’t they say to wait a few months?

Why? Why do they say that? God, I literally know nothing. I dipped out of Ella’s pregnancy, only reappearing when Cody was old enough to be entertaining.

I pull up the search on my phone and start adding books to my cart. I can’t remember the last time I read a physical book, but at least it feels like doing something.

I click checkout after I’ve added enough books to fill asmall pregnancy and early years library and rest my phone face down on the bed.

I stare at the wall for a few seconds before picking up the phone again, pulling up Rosie’s text chain. The messages from my wooing attempt stare at me. God, was that just a few hours ago that I was flirting with her? The girl I still can’t get out of my head? The mother of my child?

Without thinking too quickly, I type out a message.

ME

Thank you for telling me

I see the bubble pop up before disappearing a few times.

ROSIE