Page 68 of Giving Him Something He Can Feel

He peered at me intensely, before he nodded.

I guess that worked for me… for now. So I leaned in and pressed my lips against his. His energy was enough for me, and that alone made me so content in his arms…in his presence. He was enough, this space was enough and for once I was okay with the feelings he gave. He was genuine, sweet, attentive and most of all a grown ass man who didn’t play when it came to the matters of his heart. I was grateful for that…grateful for him.Though he got on my damn nerves, he was mine and I couldn’t do anything but feel that.

Jovie

When Cartier came in this morning, I felt emotional, then my worries consumed me. Like somehow all of my thoughts had conjured up this immeasurable amount of intrusive thoughts that cloaked themselves in worry. Worry that dispersed the moment I felt him put his hands around my body in bed. I don’t know what he had gone out and done, but I knew it wasn’t good. Not with all the obscurities he mumbled as he walked through his bedroom getting dressed in a quickness. Pissed was an understatement and I knew that for a fact, because even though I was sleep when he got the call I heard and felt everything. From the moment he leaned over the bed and kissed my cheek, worry settled into my being making it close to impossible for me to get back to the sleep I had when I was in his arms. I managed though, because his child wouldn’t let me get out of bed and my eye lids were heavy as rocks. I managed to stay in that space of horrible sleep, eyes closed and solid consciousness for the duration of his time away. But he consumed my thoughts, because I just wanted him to be safe… shit to be back in this bed with me.

I never expected things to get this deep with Cartier and myself. Especially when he was fucking Taylor and we partied in the same groups. That felt like a lifetime ago, because not only had this baby and life sat me down, but it slowed himdown too. I didn’t expect that one night to bring us here, to planning our lives together and negotiating furniture together. I didn’t expect any of this. Shit, to be honest I didn’t even expect to lose my pop-pop, no matter how many times he warned me that his time was coming. I didn’t believe him, because in my mind the old man would live forever and give my children the pop-pop experience I had.

Anyway life had this way of not showing you it’s hand until you’d either folded or stood on business. Plenty of times I wanted to fold, to roll over and cry into my arm, but I couldn’t. wasn’t raised like that. Shit nothing about me was soft life material if anything I was hard body.

“You over there staring into space. You must think you know what we having.” Cartier’s voice interrupted my thoughts and brought me back to the present space we were in.

I blinked a few times allowing my eyes to gloss the small appointment room, before they landed on my fine ass baby daddy. “Told you it’s a girl. ‘Cause if it ain’t you’re on your own buddy boy.”

He chuckled. “Fuck outta here. Even if you carrying my daughter right now, you still finna carry my son in the nearest future. I need me about five.” Stupidly he held his hand and all five of his fingers up as he spoke.Such an animated ass nigga.

I chose not to respond to his decree. Not because I didn’t have a rebuttal, but because I knew when it came to him, he could have whatever he asked for from me and some. Instead I waved him and that sneaky ass smirk off.

I could see it in his face he was about to respond but a knock at the door interrupted that.

Seconds later the doctor was stepping through the door with a nurse in tow and the sonogram machine. “Good afternoon mom and dad, how are we doing today?” she asked politely.

“Good and ready.” Cartier smiled rubbing his massive hands together. When he felt me looking at him he looked from her to me, before sending a wink in my direction.His way ofreassurance.

Not long after she set up the machine and asked me to lift my shirt, she confirmed that I was indeed carrying a little girl. A little girl I’d protect with my life, and so would her father. A little girl who would never know the feeling of abandonment because she’d always have us. I didn’t know what the future held, and yes this was technically the beginning of mine and Cartier’s story together.

“Yo, you know I love you right?”

Immediately heat overcame both of my cheeks, and a smile to challenge Jigsaw covered my face. “You do? It ain’t like you didn’t say it last night while I was half sleep.”

His hand gripped mine, bringing it up toward his face as he drove. “Is Turkey ass turkey? I love you with everything in me and I’ma give you the fucking world. You and lil’ Cartierra.”

I busted up laughing. “I love you too, but we are not naming my daughter that ghetto shit.”

Cartrek

I glanced down at my watch, before my eyes glossed the doctor’s face. I could see how surprised she was when she saw me in the waiting room. She was completely taken aback, and she tried to check herself, but she couldn’t. Doc was used to seeing a nigga weekly so she could pick my brain and be all in my shit about my choices, my regrets, and the moments I couldn’t forget for the life of me.

“It’s been a while. How are you, Cartrek?”

I shrugged, getting comfortable on the sofa as if I’d be here long.

“Straight. I’m good.”

She nodded her head. “That’s good. How is life?”

“Leveled.”

Her brow raised as she looked up from the notepad in her hand, eyes studying me and completely thrown by the word I’d just said. “Leveled. That’s an interesting word to use. Care to explain whatyou mean?”

“Like I’m leveled out right now. Found a lil’ bit of a balance between obsessing over the shit I can’t change and the things I can. Life is balanced.”

She nodded and continued to scribble my words into her note pad. “What brought about this balance? If you don’t mind me asking.”

“Life.”And her.

She nodded. “That’s good. How have you been feeling?”

My eyes traveled the room, before they landedon her. “Felt.”

The end…For Now