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“Actually, can I borrow some workout stuff? I’m going for a run.”
She raised her eyebrows at me. “I know from living with you that you only run when something is bothering you.”
“Yeah. It helps me sort through everything. I don’t really want to talk about it though.”
“Is it about David?” she asked, handing me her tennis shoes.
“Yes.”
“Is it bad?”
I sighed. “Yes.”
“How bad?”
I shook my head, rolling my lips together. “I don’t know yet.”
“Look, if there’s one thing Greg has taught me, it’s that communication is key. Whatever it is, don’t let it fester. You guys don’t leave ‘til tomorrow morning, right?”
I nodded.
“So talk to him.”
“I’m afraid that if I do, it will change everything.”
“It’ll be fine,” she said, waving a hand.
Fine. Everything will be fine. “Talk to him, huh?”
“Yeah. Don’t look so glum. He’s a good man, and he loves you like crazy. Trust him.”
I nodded. “I just have to prepare myself for the worst.”
“You shouldn’t do that, Liv. Positive vibes.”
“You’re right,” I agreed. And she was, but the truth was, now that I’d let my guard down, bracing myself for impact was the only defense I had. “The boys went to surf so you’re on your own with her.”
“Who?”
“Kat.”
“Oh.”
I left her, changed and headed out into the humidity. I tightened my ponytail and looked up at the grey sky, requesting that it wait until I’d finished to open up again. Quit my job? Travel the world? Marriage? Children? It was going to be a long run.
My mind instantly replayed the morning. I hoped I’d done the right thing telling David about Arnaud. I hated the idea that David trusted a weasel like him. And I’d meant what I’d said – I disliked Arnaud enough that I wouldn’t go to David’s office anymore.
I wondered if David had meant to propose. It was so sudden. It hadn’t occurred to me that he was already there, but then again, maybe he hadn’t known he was either. He said it had just come out.
If he’d thought about marrying me, then surely a family was something he’d considered. Had I given him the impression that I wanted children? Did he know that Bill and I argued about that over and over? How could he know that? Had I never told him?
Could I do it? Could I make the decision to have a child if the alternative was losing David? My heart nearly broke at the thought. Was that any way to bring a child into the world? I pictured David as a father, teaching his kid to surf or snowboard. I thought of the way he handled the things he loved and the way his face was serious and focused but so happy when he played with Alex. Fuck. I could never take fatherhood away from him.
I tried to picture myself as a mother. I’d never felt particularly warm toward children, but wouldn’t I feel differently about my own?
I sighed when I jogged by a woman pushing a stroller. The pit in my stomach told me that wasn’t me. That being a mom wasn’t in the cards for me. The question was, could I do it for David? Was there anything I wouldn’t do, wouldn’t give up for him?
~
David was still gone when I returned, so I treated myself to a long shower. As I washed my sweat away, I let myself think momentarily of traveling the world with David. Writing, eating, fucking, sleeping . . . no Beman to answer to, no judgmental friends or family, no children. Just the two of us living the dream . . . But is that all it is? A dream?
David had given me so many invaluable things, including his trust. I not only owed him my honesty; I wanted to give it to him. My instinct was to run, hide and retreat into my shell, but I wouldn’t do it. Not with him.
I changed into a striped sundress and went downstairs to find that the sun was out. Gretchen and I walked into town and had lunch until it was time for her to catch her flight. I called her a taxi, and just as she was loading her luggage, David and Brian jogged up with their surfboards.
“Bye guys,” she called with a wave.
“Gretchen – ” Brian started, but paused when Kat appeared on the porch. “Just, uh, have a nice flight.”
“Thanks,” she said with a large smile. And she looked stunning, even though her hair was tossed in a ponytail and she was wearing less makeup than I’d ever seen. Brian watched until the taxi was out of sight.
“You’re a beautiful thing to come back to,” David said, stooping for a kiss. “I like this dress.”
“Indeed, Liv,” Brian put in. “It’s quite fetching.”
David shot him a glare, and I giggled. “Did you guys have a nice surf?”
“Excellent,” David said. “Waves were much better today. Did you eat?” I nodded. “Good. I’m going to rinse off and drive these two to the airport.”
They disappeared behind the house together, so I sat on the porch to read. After a while, I looked up and Brian was standing in the doorway, freshly showered and dressed in a t-shirt and shorts. He sat down in the chair next to mine, glanced over his shoulder quickly and then back at me. “I had a great time this weekend.”
“Me too.” I smiled.
“No. I had a really great time. I think I’m going to ask Gretchen on another date.”
I closed the book and looked him over. “Really? What changed?”
“She puts up this shield, right? But when it comes down, she’s lovely. She’s kind and smart, and a little bit goofy too. I never dreamed she was so goofy.”
I laughed. “Greg is the reason for the shield. When they met, she changed for him – started wearing her hair differently, lost weight, dressed up all the time. When he left, it was inside that changed. I’m afraid that after this time, she’ll have trouble trusting again.”
“Then I have my work cut out for me,” he said. “But I have a feeling she’ll be worth it. I want to see more of the girl in the glasses.”
I smiled, but it quickly turned to a frown. “I think you’d better take care of this first,” I said, jerking my thumb toward the house.
“I will when we get back.”
“Then you have my blessing.”
“Do you think she’ll agree to a date?”
“I have no idea, but you should know, Greg called her this morning trying to feed her bullshit.”
“I’d better make it quick then.” He kissed me on the cheek and then wiped it with his thumb. “Oops. Don’t tell your boyfriend. I hear he has a temper.”
“Wouldn’t dream of it. See you at home?”
“Yes, ma’am.” He popped up to grab Kat’s bag when she opened the door, and the three of them piled into the car for the airport. Unable to concentrate on my book, I walked to the grocery store to purchase some things for dinner. I had an idea that we could picnic on the beach as the sun went down, so I bought an assortment of snacks and a bottle of wine. This is how life could be. Just us, no bullshit, watching the sunset and drinking wine.
At the house, I prepared everything and found a large blanket in the hallway closet. I left David a note and walked down to the beach where I unfurled the blanket and watched the water while I waited for him.
When, eventually, I had the distinct feeling that he was behind me, it was because he was. He sat with his front against my back, his long legs bent on both sides of me and his cheek against mine. “This is nice,” he said softly.
“Finally alone,” I responded. I leaned forward and excavated plastic cups from my bag to pour us each some wine.
I twisted my head up and watched him rub his eyes with tense fingers.
“Tired?” I asked.
“Stressed.”
“Why?”
“Work, Arnaud, the New York project.”
I nodded.
“You,” he added.
“Me?”
“I know something’s up.”
I sighed and looked out at the water.
“Yes, but let’s just enjoy the sunset for now.”
