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My palms slicken with sweat, and I don’t know if it’s in fear of the memories or arousal from exactly the same.
“Has a girl ever gone down on you?”
“Why are you asking me this stuff?” The words come out as if I have gravel stuck in my throat.
She shrugs. “Just curious. Don’t want to answer?”
“Yes.”
“Yes, you don’t want to an—”
“Yes, a girl has gone down on me.”
“Did you return the favor?”
“No.” I don’t elaborate. I don’t know why I’m trying to hide my past, but I don’t feel like going into in-depth explanations about how I was tied and gagged when it happened.
“So you’ve never eaten pussy?”
“I didn’t say that.” Her lips thin as if she thinks I’m playing a game and she’s growing agitated. “I have gone down on a girl before.”
“Did you enjoy it?”
So much so, just the thought right now is making me wet. “I didn’t hate it.”
“I can work with that.” Her tongue brushes over her bottom lip. “TJ said I can’t touch your pussy without permission.”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea right now.”
She laughs hard before a smile stays on her pretty lips. “Honey, he was talking about his permission, not yours.”
Maybe she expected me to be offended, but honestly, I like the idea of TJ controlling everything that happens to my body. His commands are what thrill me. I love it when he takes my choices away.
“I better get back upstairs. Are you sure you don’t want this food?”
I shake my head. “Don’t think it’s a great idea.”
“See you soon, Envy.”
“Kaci,” I correct before she goes far.
“That’s your real name.” She gives me another slow smile. “We all have club names. Well except for Molly and Zoe.”
“Envy?”
“Yeah,” she agrees. “There are going to be a lot of girls jealous of you.”
“Of me? I’m the last thing they should be jealous of.”
“Says the only girl that has TJ’s undivided attention.” With that, she grabs the tray, turns off the light, and makes her way to the stairs.
Envy.
I can’t say that I hate the name.Chapter 30TJ
The whiskey I’ve been tossing back all night has done nothing to ease the guilt I have for not running down to Kaci and telling her what her father has done.
What good will it do?
That was Virus’s parting question before I left him in the office an hour ago. I’ll be honest. I don’t know if it will do any good at all. The opposite, I’m certain will happen. I’m sure knowing that her father is solely responsible for the ten months she was abused, hurt, and brutally raped will be what finally sends her over the edge. She’s already teetering there as it is, but I also know I don’t want to lie to her, by omission or otherwise.
“You look like you could use another one.”
I’d ignore Lynch when he sits down beside me, but my glass is empty, so he has a point.
I push the tumbler forward and let Mac fill it before drawing it back in.
“Want to talk about it?”
I grunt a no in his direction, but without even looking I can sense the smile on his face.
“I can tell you, from experience that it’s easier if you just let it happen. Fighting it won’t stop it. It only slows down the inevitable.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?” I look over at my older brother who doesn’t even bother to hide his wide smile. If I hadn’t been present all the times he’s made brutal examples of people since he met Zoe, I’d swear just by looking at him that he’s turned into a pussy.
“Falling in love.” He grins wider as he lifts his beer bottle to his mouth.
“I’m only fucking twenty. I’m not trying to fall in love.”
“Twenty-one next week,” the asshole reminds me, “and love doesn’t give a shit how old you are.”
“She’s broken,” I grumble, not adding that she’ll be completely obliterated once she knows about her dad.
“You’ve said that before, but we all have shit we have to deal with.”
A rough sigh escapes my lips. As much as I don’t want to have this conversation with anyone, much less him, I need guidance.
“She was babysitting her brother when he choked on a toy and died,” I confess, knowing this has affected her more than her abduction.
I honestly believe she sees her abduction as some kind of fucked up karma for not paying more attention to the kid that day.
“And you pointed the toy gun at the Feds, and they shot Donna.”
Fuck. Hearing that out loud still stings all these years later.
“I mean,” Lynch offers when I don’t respond, “I think they came to the clubhouse with intentions of killing someone that day. It just happened to be your mom.”
“She was abducted when she was eighteen. Right after she graduated, hadn’t even had the chance to go to college or find out who she really is. She was held for ten months by sex traffickers.”
