Page 83 of Axton
“I highly doubt there’s anything that could change the way I feel about you. These feelings are as natural as breathing. Speaking of that, I want to say thank you for that.”
I tilted my head. “Thank you for what?”
She pecked my lips. “Affection and emotional expression were frowned upon during my upbringing. My mama would peck mycheek or my hand when nobody was looking, though. With you, I feel free to express myself and it’s natural to do so. I can be happy, sad, scared, and probably even angry and it doesn’t feel wrong. But I need to ask you a favor.”
“Anything for you, Belle.”
She tapped her chin. “How do I word this?” She thought about it. “Okay, here I go.” Her eyes met mine. “I know Creed is your best friend. I also know from what I’ve overheard, that you like your privacy, so I want to be more than just the girl you’re dating while we are just legally married. I want to be friends too. I’ve never really had a friend to confide in, and with Koty I couldn’t tell him everything that burdened me. The threat of a punishment for my thoughts alone kept me from telling him that I wanted to leave papas church. Men could have desires, and they had sponsors to help them through it, but our religion believed that it was unnatural and possibly evil for a woman to have them. There have been women who successfully managed to slip out of the gates and have affairs with men they claimed to have loved but they wouldn’t leave their children behind. When they got caught, they were placed with an elder and held in a bedroom where papa and the elders tried to exorcise the lustful demon from them. If they saw the exorcism wasn’t working they were deemed mentally unfit and were sent up north so they couldn’t poison their children’s minds. Michael, I had desires that were far from innocent and even Koty would have been disgusted.”
“That’s terrible, Belle.” I hated that she had to live that way.
“There is another part of friendship I never got to experience and that’s being the one person above all that someone very special could confide in and know their thoughts and feelings are safe. I don’t want to just be the girl that’s absolutely insane for you. I want to be the girl that is here to listen, and if necessary catchyou if you fall. If your pieces fall apart, I want to help you put them back together again.”
My heart raced. “You would like to take care of me?”
She nodded. “And I want you to take care of me. I want to you to feel as safe with me as I do you.”
I studied her eyes as I brushed my thumb back and forth on her cheek. She must have talked to Creed, and he mentioned that it was time someone took care of me. He said it more than I cared to hear over the last day, but I saw the sincerity in her eyes, and I was convinced beyond a reasonable doubt that she meant it. Had God decided I paid enough dues, and he rewarded me with this amazing person I was absolutely insane over? My lips moved closer to hers. “I am absolutely head over heels crazy about you, Mrs. Axton.” My lips met hers and she opened hers for me just before my tongue swept against hers.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Fourteen years ago…
To my greatest love, my best friend, and the keeper of my dreams,
When I was little, you were the mysterious boy next door. A walking talking miracle that was the survivor, the protector, and always my safety blanket. When I was sad you made me happy. When I cried you held me. When I was scared you kept me safe. I never knew a day would come that a problem would be so big that even you couldn’t fix it.
I’ve realized in the last year and a half that I’m not the girl we thought I was. I always dreamed we would grow up, go to college, get married, and have our own family. I know you have those same dreams. You held on to our dreams and believed in them enough to let them motivate you to work harder and do better. I guess I’ve never been as strong as you or as faithful to my dreams.
I love you, Mikey, but I don’t think I love you enough. Not the way you deserve. I don’t even love myself the way I deserve. I have a story to tell, and it will not be a story that will bring you comfort. No matter how many prayers you could have said at night, you could not have saved us.
A little over a year ago, I was invited to a party. I was so excited because a few of the boys at school were being friendly and not treating me like trash. I thought maybe people were seeing me for the girl I thought I was, and not the family I come from. I didn’t tell you I was going to this party because I knew you wouldn’t approve. The boys picked me up at my house, and I wasn’t in their car long before I realized it wasn’t a party for the kids at school. I am not going to go into detail, just tell you what you need to know.
I was made fun of the boys drank and laughed at me. Then they smoked pot, which I wasn’t scared of that, but I was scared when I saw cocaine. More people I didn’t know arrived, some grown men, and some were young men. Then came my brothers. Mikey, they didn’t protect me. They watched as one boy put the powder in my mouth as the other held me down. Soon after that they tore my clothes off me. They all had their turn with me. I have no idea how many of them raped me because I lost consciousness here and there. To end the night, they took photos of me laying naked, defeated, and dying inside. Threatening to show people the photo if I ever told anyone. The shame in itself was enough to turn me inside myself and never tell a soul. The older men watched and laughed, but not one tried to stop those boys.
Then Will happened. He overheard a few of the boys at school talking, then he approached me. He didn’t know about my brothers, he only knew about the party that night. He took me to a clinic to be tested for disease and wanted to help me. My tests came back normal, and Will wanted to help me find a safe place for me to live away from my family. He thought his dad would help, but when Will took me to meet his parents, I immediately recognized his dad as one of the men that watched and did nothing to help me that night.
I didn’t tell Will, just suffered through that visit, then later that night my brothers tied me up, threw me into a car and took me to see Will’s father. He drugged me, raped me, then sent me home with my brothers. He threatened you and Kayla if I ever told anyone. He was a very dangerous man, and he hid it well from his son. For months my brothers took me from my sleep and Will’s father supported their drug habits in exchange for my body.
It was weeks later when I hitched a ride to the clinic Will first took me to, and I learned this thing was growing inside me, and had been for several months. I didn’t know. I swear I didn’t know, Mike, otherwise I would have went sooner and had an abortion. My stomach was flat, I wasn’t sick, and I could swear I had a few periods. I was walking in a tunnel of denial for months and I paid no attention to things that needed my attention. Not even my body. It was so hard to look at you every day, so I found comfort in Will.
I ignored the thing growing inside me. I didn’t look or feel pregnant. All I knew was it either belonged to Will or his father. When Will noticed my stomach was becoming hard and just a little pudgy, he confronted me. He became angry and saying I was ruining his future and didn’t speak to me for days. Then out of nowhere he showed up at my house on Valentines Day. I guess he told his father that he was going to be a dad, and they all wanted to sit down and talk about the thing inside me.
Will didn’t want anything to do with me anymore. It was too late for an abortion, so his mother found a home I could go to, and they would find it a home. Will dropped me off at home and soon after my brothers once again forced me to leave with them.
Will’s father threatened me. To expose me for that night with the photos if I dared tell Will anything about us, and he gaveme strict instructions. I was to give birth and never see the thing again. I hated his father, he was a monster, and I knew I couldn’t allow something so evil to be born into this world. I had no plan, other than following through with the pregnancy crisis home. I knew I would be safe there, my brothers wouldn’t even know where I went. So, I accepted.
I came to you, my greatest comfort, later that night. I knew I was leaving to go live on the outskirts of town the next morning. I needed one night in your arms to live a small portion of what our life would have been, and I thought your touch would take away the filth. I used you to cleanse my body.
I’ve been here in this home for months. The other girls are pregnant with innocent little babies, but I am pregnant with something so evil that others can barely tell it lives inside me. I’m not showing as much as the other girls. I know its because I’m carrying the devil’s little secret.
Will’s mother sends him to come see me daily. He takes me to appointments, to the store to get things I need, and he makes me visit my mother, so she doesn’t report me as a missing person. Not that she would anyway, but Will didn’t understand that. I wear baggy clothes these days, just so I can hide the small bump when people see me. But I cannot hide this forever.
I’m in pain as I write this goodbye to you. My water broke and the pain is coming and going. I called Will and told him I needed to visit home for a bit, but will hide the pain from him. I just needed him to drop me off there closer to you.
I need your help, Michael. I cannot live with the shame of what has been happening any longer. I know I’ve neglected you, hid my actions from you, tricked you into thinking I was the girl I always was, up until the night I made love to you. My final wish, the one thing I need from you more than anything I haveever needed, is for you to protect not just my memory, but to protect Will. He never asked for this, what I’m about to do will ruin his life if you do not protect me one last time. This thing will appear as an innocent newborn baby, and I need you to claim it as your own. This will be the greatest gift you have ever given me.
You will find us across the creek on the hillside near where my dad keeps his still. When the police come, they will find that still, which should buy you some time before you have to face him. I know he will have to go to jail for a while. I beg you not to cross Will’s father, He will destroy everything you’ve worked for. He is that evil.
