Page 60 of Hounded
I shrugged. “Sometimes I worry what will go next and what will be left at the end of it all. Then I wonder if thisisthe end, and if it wouldn’t be kinder if it was.”
I didn’t confess the thought that had flitted through my mind minutes before Indy’s ashes began to reform. The scant seconds when I hoped he wouldn’t come back because I was beaten even then. Both life and death had defeated me.
Sully paused her rifling to glance at me. “That’s awfully dark, Lore.”
I pushed upright and swiveled to face her. “Do you know why he died?”
“He ran out of time?”
I’d let her believe that till now because I didn’t want her to look at Indy differently. The stigma of addiction was bad enough without adding suicide on top of it. But I wanted her to know. I needed her to understand why everything was different this time.
“We should’ve had years left together, but he ended it,” I said, tasting acid on my tongue. “He choked down a handful of pills and died.”
Sully gasped, but I carried on through it.
“He killed himself.” Hearing it out loud strummed a chord of loss so profound it made me shiver. “He left me.”
She’d given up her search and stood looking aghast, hanging onto the bookshelf as though my admission would have bowled her over otherwise. “Are you sure?” she asked, her voice small. “Maybe it was an accident…”
“He was so unhappy that he wanted to die, and he didn’t tell me.” I stared at the starry ceiling, failing to rein in the emotions I’d suppressed for weeks. They were finally escaping, finding room to grow and spread and leaving me breathless.
“He used to tell me everything,” I said. “But I think I understand because I’m fucking miserable and, even if I told Indy, he couldn’t fix it.” I rolled my head toward Sully again. “So, what’s the point?”
“In telling him?” she asked.
“In living.”
Sully made a sympathetic sound. “Oh, honey, no…”
I pushed to my feet, then dusted my hands down my jeans. “Doesn’t matter,” I muttered. “I don’t think I couldeven die without Miss’s permission and, now that Whitney’s gone, she’ll never let me go.”
I returned to the kitchen and filled the mug beside the kettle with hot water. Another teabag had been set out along with a cow-shaped creamer dish and a bowl of sugar. I dropped the teabag in to steep, then watched as the leaves stained the water sepia brown.
Across the room, Sully tucked a book under her arm. A pair of tortoiseshell spectacles materialized on her face.
“Maybe the drugs have something to do with it,” she mumbled, more a thought than a statement.
I cocked my head.
She ticked her finger in the air. “I’m gonna work on your problem, too, but this just occurred to me.” Moving forward, she brought her mug and the dusty old tome to the kitchen island across from me. “How long has Indy been using?”
My nose scrunched as I considered. “Always,” I said. “The man who had him before me pumped him full of opium. Kept him docile.” Recounting even a fraction of that story made my hound bristle, and I gave a corresponding all-over shudder.
“Now it’s uppers,” I continued. “Party drugs. I don’t think he’s ever been clean.” Not as long as I’d known him. As for how many years that monster kept him trapped, drawing blood and plucking feathers while flooding Indy’s body with poison… I couldn’t begin to guess.
Sully laid her hands on either side of the book as she stared at its embossed leather cover. “Sounds like he never had a choice.”
I grunted. “There’s always a choice.”
Sully gave an abrupt laugh. “That’s a bold statement. Do you thinkyoualways have a choice?” Her gaze targeted the chain around my neck. There was no missing her meaning.
I raised my hand to brush across the steel links of my collar. “This isn’t about me.”
“It kind of is, though.” Sully braced her arms across her chest, causing her stacked necklaces to rattle. “You’re avoiding him. That’s why you’re here, right? And it sounds like you’re mad at him. You’re allowed to be hurt. But like you said, he was hurting, too.”
I scrutinized the color of my tea before deciding to add a splash of cream and two scoops of sugar. I swirled the spoon around in the cup while Sully continued.
“I’ll think about your hellhound problem, and the other…” She trailed off. “But you should do some thinking, too.”
