Page 89 of Coming Up Roses
“No,” I say, but my voice is a rough croak. “No.” I try again. “I’ll have her. I’d love to. Of course.”
“Well, she’ll love it too, she hasn’t shut up about your spa day.”
I take a breath, then another, making the exhales long and slow. The spa day was a lot of fun. I painted Sadie’s nails, did a conditioning treatment in her hair and gave her a mini-facial, then while our face masks were on we lay on my couch and watched silly animal videos. Afterwards we went out for lunch where Tilly complimented Sadie endlessly on her glowing skin and pretty nails. That girl is a customer service dream.
I spent the whole day with Sadie that day. I can do that again and include an overnight in there. Dinner, bath, bedtime. A long expanse of time when Sadie will be asleep, safe in her bed.
Absolutely no reason for anxiety. No reason for panic attacks.
I can do this. I’ve spent years working towards being able to do this again, and the baby steps Dallas and I have used to reintegrate me into Sadie’s life have been the perfect stepping stones. I haven’t had a panic attack since the very beginning and this is the next step in being Sadie’s mum again. It’s one I’m sure I can manage.
“I can’t wait,” I say to Dallas.
He studies my face, turning on the seat to get a good look at me. “Are you absolutely sure about this?”
“Yes. Violet will be here if I need anything, but I won’t.”
“Katie and I aren’t going far anyway, we’ll only be about forty minutes away.”
“That’s barely going away, Dal.” I pat his shoulder with a laugh.
“I know. But I haven’t spent a lot of time without Sadie being more than a paddock away. It’s going to take some adjusting for all of us.”
“For what it’s worth, and I’m sure you already know this, but you’re an amazing dad. The best. I knew I could focus on myself and not have to worry about Sadie, because she had you.” I pause and drop my eyes, taking a deep breath before making eye contact again. “But I am sorry, for all the things I put you through.”
Dallas uses the arm still around my shoulders to tug me to him, his other arm wrapping around me. “You didn’t put me through it, Abs. That was all that anxiety. It’s not you.”
He releases me and I sit back. “It’s still a part of me.”
“Yeah, and it’s made you who you are today, which is an amazing, strong woman. A mum. Plus, it brought us to this place.” He gestures around, at the function centre, the sprawling hills, the vast open skies.
“It’s a pretty great place,” I say, leaning against him as he turns back to face the pond.
“And we’re pretty great parents.Bothof us.”
With his words, something settles in me.
We may have had an unconventional route, but this place, this family, it really does feel like home now, for all of us, and I can’t wait to watch my daughter grow up here.
44
FLYNN
I’m being sucha little baby over my life right now, but I can’t snap myself out of it.
It’s been days since Abi was at my place, curled around me as I slept, protecting me from my loneliness.
I haven’t been to see her and I ignored the last text she sent me.
Well, I didn’t exactly ignore it. I don’t think it’s classed as ignoring it when I’ve reread it a million times and thought of all the ways I’d like to reply.
But I can’t.
It’s why I can’t go and see her either, because I don’t trust myself not to blurt out that I’m head over fucking heels in love with her.
And I really don’t want to do that. She made it clear what this was. A mutually beneficial arrangement between friends. I just hope that these feelings fade soon and we can get back to the being friends part.
The mutually beneficial arrangement, well I’m going to have to leave that in the past.
