Page 131 of This Could Be Us
“I don’t want you to settle for anything less than what you want your life to look like right now, but I’m not willing to settle either.”
“I don’t know if I’ll ever want to be married again,” I blurt out because my heart won’t let me hide that from myself or from him any longer. “I may never want that, Judah.”
“Who the fuck cares?” He’s louder than I’ve ever heard him. Harsher than he’s ever spoken to me. “I’m not asking you to marry me. I’m asking you tobewith me. I don’t care if your friends get married twice, divorce, and marry again. I don’t care how shitty your marriage to Edward was. I’m not looking at the forty-five years my parents have been married or the partnership I had with Tremaine. I want a life withyouthatwemake, and who cares what the hell anyone else does or calls it or expects? This could be our Wild card, Sol. We can make it whatever we want it to be.”
I sniffle, all the words I would say locked in my throat with no way out. That thing that withered and died inside me when Edward betrayed our vows, abandoned our family, reneged on promises—it could breathe again with a man like this. With Judah, my trust is regenerating, but I’m not sure if it will ever take the shape of marriage again. Even with him. It took me long enough to truly actualize into the woman I am becoming and am right now. I love SoledadCharles. I don’t want anyone else’s name. And even though Judahsayshe doesn’t care…
“I love you, Sol.”
“Judah, I—”
“No, don’t. Because it doesn’t matter what you feel if you’re not ready for me.”
“I don’t want to lose you,” I tell him, tears and snot and sadness streaking my face. “But I can’t be ready before Iamready.”
“I’m not going anywhere, and I don’t want anyone else. I just think this thing we’re doing now is confusing everyone, including us.”
I want to tell him he’s wrong and we can keep doing what we’re doing, having just the little that we have, but I’m afraid he’s right. That taking what we can instead of what we both deserve is a disservice to what we can be when the time is right.
“We’re not breaking up?” I curl into a ball on the chaise and swipe at my wet cheeks.
“I think we have to date before we canstopdating,” he says. “Focus on your girls. Focus on yourself, but when youdothink about this relationship, don’t compare it to anything else, to anyoneelse. Draw a picture in your mind of what a future could look like and really believe this could be us. And whenever you’re ready, I’m right here.”
CHAPTER FORTY-ONE
SOLEDAD
Boricua High Council rides again!” Lola sings, and she rifles through a box of albums in the garage of the house where we grew up.
“God help us.” Nayeli rolls her eyes, but a grin splits her face. “First time I’ve been in South Carolina in years.”
“Nay, I’m not sure if you’re so happy because you get to see us,” I tell her, squatting to transfer clothes from a box to a bag for charity, “or if you’re just giddy to be up from under all them kids of yours.”
“Both!” She executes a body roll, tongue out. “Ayyyyeeee.”
“You’re not calling every ten minutes to check on them?” I ask.
“No, they are with their daddy.” She does praise hands. “He can handle his own kids by himself for a few days. I do it all the time.”
“Mine are probably having a party as we speak.” I stand and rest my hands on my hips. “A weekend with Auntie Hen is like a dream. They’ll eat out every night, probably go shopping for new shoes and video games, and be spoiled by the time I get home.”
“It’s good you have friends who can step in that way,” Nayeli says. “It’s a blessing.”
“I need less talk,” Lola calls out. “Get your asses to work so we can finish. The cleaning crew comes tomorrow and we need to have all this stuff cleared out.”
“This idea of yours,” Nayeli says, dragging a box from a corner in the garage. “Moving in with Olive early and starting the Airbnb now wouldn’t have anything to do with that kiss before Christmas, would it?”
Lola pauses, turning to assess us over one shoulder, her hair braided and tucked beneath a bright red headscarf. “Absolutely not. She and I agreed that it would be smart to go ahead and start collecting money from this place as we prepare for the move to Austin this summer. So why not move in with her in the meantime?”
“And it hasn’t occurred to you that it’ll be just the two of you in that li’l ol’ apartment?” I ask. “Just two horny besties?”
“She’s not horny,” Lola protests.
“Notice you didn’t even try to front like you aren’t,” I laugh.
“Of course I’m horny.” Lola rolls her eyes. “Don’t be ridiculous.”
“And you, Sol?” Nayeli asks. “How’s your love life?”