Page 127 of Gratification in Gluttony
"And for you, Marit."
Those pale-blue eyes glistened with unshed tears. "I can't handle it if we fall for him, and he just up and leaves. I'm still mad at Wren for leaving."
I held my arms open, and he came to me. Holding him close, I tried to think of how we could protect ourselves from further pain, but I had no idea. My heart saw Peter's bright affection and basked in it like sunlight.
"I don't know what to do," I said honestly. "If he leaves, it'll hurt me too."
"I know," answered Marit, tucking his face into my neck.
Chapter Nine: Peter
Two weeks later
Shutting my book, I set it back on the shelf in the library and followed my nose to the cafeteria. I helped the cooks get breakfast served, even though I was still on a simplified diet so I couldn't eat what they were eating. Corbi, Marit, and I sat removed from the crowd of regular monks since the monastery was going through a phase of trying to kick everyone out and back into the local economy. People like Marit and Corbi who had thus far evaded that treatment were not encouraged to mingle with the students. I sat in Old Man Ceridor's chair, since the bard was still on his journey to find my home village.
We ate quietly—Marit and Corbi having the hearty stew of winter vegetables and potatoes in broth, with me eating my regular rice and barley gruel that at least was salty. As was their custom, since our table in the back was next to asmall indentation in the wall that served as an alcove, Marit carried down a small wood statue of the god or goddess of the day. With the statue raised above our table and thus in a proper position to show respect, Corbi would dish out a cup or plate of the meal that day and place it in offering in front of the statue, inviting the god or goddess to join us if they so desired. Then after finishing our own meals, one of us would politely take down the cup or plate in the alcove and eat it so it didn't go bad, thanking the deity for any blessings they might have bestowed upon the meal.
After breakfast, Marit kissed Corbi goodbye so he could head to the clinic, and I gave him a hug.
As Corbi rounded the corner out of sight, a group of students breezed by us, led by an instructor. One of the students asked the instructor a clarifying question on Plato'sRepublic, and the instructor bounced a question back at the student in the Socratic method. The whole group behaved like they didn't even see us.
Marit glanced at me and then rolled his eyes. I looped my arm through his, and we began walking the halls.
"How about a lesson?" I asked.
By now I was becoming accustomed to the bardic triads in the monastery's introductory texts: concepts grouped into threes, which made them easier to remember.
Marit was all too willing to indulge me. I could swear he had everything in the library memorized.
"Three motivations of the initiate to the mysteries," he prompted.
That one I knew! "Wisdom, clarity, and moving beyond the human stage."
"And three motivations forthisinitiate; state your own," Marit tossed back.
I thought about that, wincing as my stomach clenched. "Happiness, health…and to love and have it returned."
Marit softened, then straightened his back as we walked arm-in-arm, and I knew he was switching into his teacher mode. "Take care to structure your motivations as things over which you have control."
I nodded, thinking over my motivations and bidding him to continue.
"Your body might not be able to achieve the level of health you wish for, but you can still maintain and treasure what you do have. As for happiness, your negative emotions might be there for good reason, to tell you about a bad situation that you have the agency to get out of. But happiness can still be a goal in that endeavor."
I'd had no shortage of frustration when I'd charged into the forest months ago, but one good thing about such a weird time was that I'd been able to talk everything out and make progress on processing it, even if my listening buddy had been a little white dog. "Ja, okay."
Marit continued. "And you can certainly cultivate love within yourself, and work to make yourself more lovable to others, but ultimately, you cannot control whether or not someone else loves you."
He looked out the windows we passed at the snowy landscape. Not for the first time, I wondered if he was thinking of Wren.
Marit's voice was soft. "If you care for them, then if they move on from you, the best thing to do is to honor their wishes and bless their new path with someone else."
That crushed me, just watching Marit stare off into nothing. "If I were yours, I would never leave you."
Marit blinked, shook himself out of it, and apologized. "What did you say?"
My cheeks burned. "Sorry, nothing."
A quiet moment passed as we walked the hallways, and butterflies danced in my stomach.