Page 179 of Crucible
Here I am, giving them everything like a fool when they’re still holding back.
My eyes prickle, and the room spins faster and faster until I inhale a deep, steadying breath. “You know what?” I shakily say as I rise from the table. “Forget it. Fuck the garden. I…I don’t know what I was thinking.”
“Sunshine—”
“I said forget it, Seth.”
I feel all three of their eyes on me as I hurry from the dining room.
I can’t let them see.
I can’t let them have another part of me they don’t deserve.
These tears that I know won’t spill but have never come so dangerously close to doing so before now. They don’t deserve a single one.
I haven’t been out on the lower deck since my first night when Thorin marooned me for not wanting to give it up. At the time, it was just another stage set for my death that I somehow escaped yet again.
Right now, it’s my sanctuary.
My legs are threaded through the wooden rails while my bare feet dangle over the unforgiving wilds below. It’s a clear day full of vivid colors, but I don’t see any of it. My forehead rests against one of the bars, and my hand clutches my turning stomach as I take rapid, deep breaths and tell myself this is better.
It would have never worked between us anyway.
I’m too fucked up to truly love anyone.
And they…well, it’s clear they are capable of caring deeply for someone other than themselves. Their bond makes me envious sometimes.
But our biggest obstacle isn’t them or even me.
It’s Ezekiel.
None of us can truly know what will happen when he wakes up.
We are reckless, making promises before that eventuality occurs.
“Damn, girl. I’ve been looking for your ass everywhere,” Khalil fusses, breaking through my chaotic and confusing thoughts.
I didn’t even hear the deck door open or him sneaking up on me. I lift my head and pray my face keeps my secrets as he dropshis powerful body down next to me while facing the opposite way.
Our gazes meet, and he places a possessive hand on my naked thigh. I’m still only wearing Seth’s T-shirt, which is heavy with his natural scent of juniper and leather. Goose bumps spread in every direction from our point of contact, even as my heart cracks inside my chest. I tell myself it’s the breeze from being up so high.
Khalil may want me, but he doesn’t trust me.
“It was only a matter of time before we fucked up, but it seems I gave us too much credit in thinking it wouldn’t be this soon.”
“What do you want, Khalil?”
“I wanted to check on my girl.” I laugh at that as I stare out at the Cold Peaks without really seeing it. “And to say I’m sorry.”
“For what?” I ask casually—as if my fractured heart isn’t already trying to fuse itself back together. I hold it at bay.
“It’s been my pleasure to make you feel many things—desire, anger, hatred…happiness.” At that last word, I finally let myself look at him. “But I never dreamed of making you sad, Aurelia.”
“I’m not sad.”
“No?”
“I’m…annoyed.”
