Page 11 of From the Ashes

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Page 11 of From the Ashes

“You’re not just trying to cover for him?”

“No,” I replied. “I promise. Everything that happened was because of me. Because Ihadto protect him.”

She nodded. “Alright. I’ll call her as soon as I get you checked in at the hospital, okay?”

“Thanks, Mom,” I replied. “For… Foreverything.”

She glanced at me, giving me a warm smile. “Of course, honey. You know I’m always on your side. No matter what.”

CHAPTER 4

Charlie

Ifound myself at the edge of the creek in the shade, my hands laced behind my head as I laid back in the grass. It was one of those lazy days brought on by a sudden heatwave in late spring. With only one more year of high school left to go, I was finding it harder and harder to focus on my schoolwork. Thankfully there was only a month left before I could stop worrying about useless math problems and historical dates I didn’t give a shit about. Instead, all my thoughts were taken up by what cameaftergraduation.

College was the next logical step of course, and the one my mother wanted me to take. She wanted me to go to the public university up in Corvallis. That way I could come home every single weekend to do my laundry. That’s what she said anyway, but I knew better. Being a single mom with no dating prospects, she was having a severe case of empty nest syndrome. And I had to admit, I was feeling a bit apprehensive myself. College was a big deal and a lot of money. I hadn’t even decided what I wanted to do with my life yet. I had a penchant for ecology, that was certain. But it wasn’t exactly the kind of career someone made a living off of. And living in Oregon meant thecost of living was already sky high. I had to find something that mademoney, but also didn’t make me want to kill myself.

And that is where the true problem resided.

Banking? Nope. Business? Fuck that. Insurance? Seemed like a one-way ticket to jumping off a building. Software engineering? Really difficult but at least I could continue to be introverted. However, my attempts at learning anything engineering related had gone poorly thus far. But I wasn’t about to give up just yet. When school ended, I was scheduled for a sort of summer boot camp for people wanting to learn to code. Thanks to Nix’s stepdad who helped me write the grant, I was going almost completely for free.

Mr. McKean was a pretty decent guy although I don’t think Nix ever forgave him for moving the family out into the middle of nowhere, Oregon. Over the years that animosity had softened, and I even heard Nix call himDadon occasion. I spent a lot of time at their house, so I sometimes felt like he was my dad too in a way. I wasn’t sure if that was because he felt bad that I didn’t have a father or that the McKeans were such good friends with my mom. Either way, our two households seemed to blend most days. It felt like I was part of a much bigger family and that suited me just fine. It meant I got to spend more time with Nix, anyway.

That, of course, presented its own problems.

When I’d knocked out Jordan’s teeth to defend Nix the year before, I was certain that I loved him. Maybe as a brother, or maybe just as a friend. At least that’s what I tried to convince myself of when the shit hit the fan. But I did love him.

After he came out to me, everything began to change. Not only did it spur me to come out to my mother and accept a part of me I’d been hiding for a long time, but it also forced me to confront my feelings about him. No matter how much I tried to convince myself that I only cared for him as a friend or brother, the truth was I laid awayseveral nights a week unable to stop thinking about him. I found myself wishing he was in bed beside me with his arm draped over my waist.

When he smiled, I caught myself admiring the way his eyes crinkled at the corners or the cute dimple that only appeared on his left cheek. I loved his bright green eyes and the way they caught the sunlight. I loved the red of his hair that gave away the fiery, wild spirit residing within him. I even loved how he nearly always managed to get us in trouble and then back out of it before we got caught.

All of that admiration was getting difficult to hide. Nix was going to notice, eventually. If he confronted me about it, I wasn’t sure I could lie. Then what would I do? Would I risk our entire relationship for a shot at happiness with him? Or would I turn him down and regret never trying in the first place?

Maybe, if I was lucky, he wouldn’t notice. After all, the only person I ever came out to was my mother. I didn’t see a reason to tell anyone at school. That would just subject me to more ridicule. And I’d never told Nix either even though I trusted him more than anyone else in the entire world. I was just too scared to tell him. Not because of the gay thing, but because I didn’t want him to feel like I was stealing his thunder, his identity, or anything else that made him special. And I didn’t want him to think that I wantedmorefrom him.

I did, but that wasn’t the point. Nix’s happiness was far more important than my own and I’d learned long ago that a wild spirit like his couldn’t be held down. I was grounded, down to earth, and subtle, the literal opposite of him in every way. He’d never be happy with someone like me. He needed to fly, and I wasn’t going to clip his wings with my love.

Perhaps, in time, I’d find someone more like me and be happy. Until then, I had to keep Phoenix McKean at arm’s length. He held too much sway over me to let him get any closer.

“I thought I'd find you out here.”

Speak of the devil.

A figure came and flipped down beside me, throwing one leg over mine. He let out a long sigh as he laced his fingers behind his head as well and stared up at the trees.

“So? What are we looking at?”

“Trees. Blue sky. Maybe a bird or two,” I replied.

“And?”

I didn't have to ask what he meant. I could read Nix’s meaning without even looking at him.

“Thinking about college. What's next. That stuff.”

“Ah. Bullshit. Gotcha,” he grinned. “Why are you worrying about something so depressing?”

“Applications are due this fall. We shouldbothhave some idea what we're doing.”