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She changed her mind, she left, she informed me over text, and then she moved to Ohio, changed her number, let another man love her, and had his child.
I had to hear about all of that secondhand from Raiden over the years, and still, he told me not to drag her back or put a detail on her because she wanted to be left alone.
He stares at me as soon as we pull up at another red. “I know what you’re thinking, but this trumps everything. Any and all mistakes. You feel me?”
I wouldn’t classify abandoning your children because you were ashamed of their choices, a mistake. Lark left. She moved on with some prick who knocked her up and left. Mabel and Henry told her not to come home. I had to find that out from Raiden on one of my visits to the prison. He wouldn’t let Lark visit, but she did write. He was so damn angry, but he stayed true to his promise to her.
“Gray.”
There’s a lot said in just my name. It doesn’t diminish my scalding rage at all.
Is it any wonder that Lark cut off all contact with everyone but her brother? She never wanted to come back here. Hart was something she left in her past, right along with me. She forgot because she had to. She moved on because that’s what it takes to be strong. She’s happy now, dating some proctologist or podiatrist, whatever the fuck he is. Some doctor. She’s done well for herself, according to Raiden.
Every time I hear her name, I want to line my gun up with my chest and shoot myself straight in my soft, pathetic, stupid heart.
It’s taken all my own willpower not to bring her back here, kicking and screaming, and make her mine. My woman. My wife. My partner, my old lady.Mine. Because she moved on, implying I was a mistake, I never could find a way to explain what happened to Raiden. My cowardice has haunted me.
“We’ll be alright. It’s just a rough patch. We’ve got through them before, and we will again. It’s going to be bad for a few months and I’m worried about Lark and how she’ll react to being back. If I was her, I’d hate this place too.”
“Let me know if there’s anything we can do. For real.” For Raiden, I would do anything, even get over how much I despise his parents.
He nods, taking a turn too sharp. Archer’s clinic comes into view. “Let’s take care of you before we worry about that. You look like death and I’m not going to lose anyone else I care about anytime soon.”
Chapter 6
Lark
“What happens when we die, Mommy?”
I stop ripping out weeds and turn to stare at my four-year-old daughter. Penny is the most beautiful child in the world. I understand now why parents would do anything to protect their children and I will doubly never understand how mine let both of us go.
This isn’t about you. You don’t have to forget to forgive.
“I’m not sure.”
I throw the handful of weeds out onto the narrow, crumbling sidewalk. The whole flower garden is choked with them. Not just this one, but every single one that my mom was always so proud of. She never complained about the size of the house or not having a renovation every couple of years, a brand-new car, or a vacation property, but if she’d ever had to sacrifice her gardens, there would have been all the bloody murder to pay.
They’ve fallen so far from what they used to be. My eyes tear up as I remember picking a few pink roses off the bush in front here, padding them with white lobelia, and wrapping them with my spare hair elastics, one for me and one for Gray. I fitted the larger one into the pocket of his suit jacket and when I realized I didn’t have a strap to secure mine around my wrist, I went back inside for a safety pin and attached it to the front of my dress.
As soon as my hands are empty, I open my arms. Penny has a little brown corduroy overall set on with a frilly white shirt underneath, all of it thrifted and utterly adorable on her. Then again, with her soft brown curls, wild all around her face, her sweet features, and that sassy pout of hers, she’d be beautiful in anything.
She thunders over the fresh path of stomped green weeds, the wilted leaves crunching under pink sneakers that light up with each step. She hurtles into my arms and lets me hold her. I breathe in the scent of her. She’s the one asking the big questions, but I’m also in need of comfort.
We’ve been back for almost two days and each minute of each hour has been filled with the blades of red-hot agony. All my fresh wounds have reopened. Even if I could forget them, there are so many more. Seeing my mom in such a shriveled, frail state, battling pain and the fear of the impending end, my dad lost and sunken into himself, both of them shells of who they used to be, was such a shock. It was one I wasn’t prepared for, even if Raiden did try to caution me the whole way home from the airport.
Penny turns her face up to me, far too solemn for a four-year-old. “You have dirt all over.” Her finger traces a smear off my cheek.
I sit back with my butt right in the dirt, but it doesn’t matter. My jeans shorts and tank top are already stained. The hot July sun beats down unmercifully with zero cloud cover to shield it. Rivulets of sweat trickle down my shoulders and trace my spine.
“Grandma’s one last wish is that she sees her flower beds full of flowers again. She hasn’t had the strength to keep up with them. There’s these two in the front and the whole backyard.”
Raiden suggested tilling it and I agreed, but I have to deal with these weeds first.
I have to do this right.
It’s so much more than just flowers.
“I don’t want Grandma to die. I just met her.”
