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Where is Alexei? His absence hurts more than anything.
Grabbing a sandwich and a juice, I sit down and check my phone for the thirtieth time to see if he’s texted.
The snack fills me up. I went so long while captured without eating, I think my stomach shrank. Probably a good thing.
No one wants me fat and mutilated.
This is for the best. I need to get all of this extra garbage out of the house.
Pausing in front of Alexei’s candy bin, it makes me wonder if that needs to go too.
Yes. If he can’t be here when I need him, I don’t want to keep this here just to beg him for his presence.
Before I know it, tears are flowing down my cheeks, stinging the wound near my mouth.
I don’t care.
He left me. They all let me sit forever in that hell hole.
I don’t need them. I don’t need any of them.
My legs shake as I carry everything outside to the garbage bins. Even the thought of having it all in the house makes me sick.
In fact…
Running to the bathroom, I vomit up the sandwich. The carbonation from the soda burns my nose as it violently leaves my body.
The heart rate on my watch is through the roof.
Stop.
Get a grip.
Maybe they don’t all hate me.
I need to find out.
Falling into the tailspin is too easy.
Mikhail told me once that if he’s flying and the plane starts to fall, he has to go full throttle before he can pull out.
That’s what I should do. I’ll go to Nikolai and see if he has a problem with me.
I hate how much looser my clothes are. It takes several outfits before I find something that fits correctly.
Why am I like this?
Nikolai shouldn’t care. He’s my brother. Shouldn’t he love me unconditionally?
Trying to be perfect all of the time is exhausting. But I shouldn’t have to try so hard.
When I leave the house and go past the garbage, a twinge of guilt gnaws at me.
Maybe I shouldn’t have thrown the food away.
The entire drive I kick myself for doing it.
I’m surprised when Nikolai comes out to meet me at the car.
