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It still doesn’t make sense to me, but that’s my life now – a senseless mess of emotions and sensations without a hint of an explanation. It makes much more sense to Viktor than it does to me, but I still agreed to it.
I agreed to help my father, despite his pathetic attitude. I agreed to marry a monster, and then I gambled the rest of my freedom away last night when I took a spin on Viktor’s roulette table.
The rigged table. I know it was rigged, but I did it anyway, secretly hoping to lose so that I wouldn’t feel responsible for giving my body to Viktor. The sad part is, I still feel guilty, and now I’m even deeper in this hole than I was before.
The woman in the mirror doesn’t cry about her new life, though. She looks nervous, but not sad about it. She pulls her shoulders back and looks me in the eye, a subtle smile on her lips.
And why wouldn’t she smile, when she’s the woman who won? I lost, and she’s here to take my place.
I slam my palms down on the table, standing up so quickly that the blood rushes from my head and makes me dizzy. A few seconds pass before I feel like I’m not going to pass out.
My feet move me from the table, and I begin pacing the room, trying to make sense of the whirlwind of emotions in my chest.
My mind drifts back to last night, the way Viktor looked at me, the way he touched me. There was something more than possessiveness in his eyes. There was need, raw and intense, just like mine.
I hate that a part of me responded to it, that I wanted him just as fiercely. It’s a dangerous game we’re playing, and I’m not sure if I’m strong enough to win. He doesn’t seem bothered by it. It’s fun for him, but it’s emotional turmoil for me.
Why did I agree to this? Why did I think I could handle this? The ring on my finger feels heavy now, a reminder of the choices I’ve made, the life I’m now bound to. I feel trapped, yet there’s a large part of me that’s intrigued, that wants to see how far this can go, how deep our connection can get.
He’s playing me like a fool, but my heart wants to be played. When was the last time anyone has made me feel like this? All my previous relationships were bland at best.
I stop in front of the mirror again, taking a deep breath. This is it. This is my life now. I have to find a way to live with it, to find my own strength within this chaos. Viktor may have power over me, but I won’t let him break me. I’ll survive this, and maybe I’ll even find a way to turn it to my advantage.
The money is good. That’s one thing, even though it’s terribly materialistic.
Oh, and then there’s the sex. I suspect he will never make love to me like he should, but the way claims me is exciting and new. Going without a condom makes it feel even better, but I’m afraidthat will get old once I become pregnant and I face an entirely new challenge.
I place a hand on my belly, looking at myself in the mirror and puffing out my stomach. I imagine what it will be like, carrying his child, knowing that I’m tied to him in the most intimate way possible.
The thought is both terrifying and oddly comforting. I’m beginning to accept this new reality, to see the beauty in the chaos that Viktor has brought into my life.
I always thought about having children one day, but not like this. I’m not sure if it’s the right way to go about it, if our precious babies will have a good life. They don’t just need money. They need two good parents who love each other, and what Viktor and I have is far from love.
Lust. Passion. Hatred.
But there’s no love there. I’m not sure if I can love a monster, no matter how strong the butterflies in my stomach are when he holds me close.
9
Viktor
It’s obvious that Sage is worried about what we’ve become. It was only supposed to be a marriage, but I’ve uncovered something that neither of us really expected. One night of passion, and the shackles that could tie me to her for life have been revealed.
The sex was too good. I’d go so far as to call it the best I’ve ever had, and that worries me more than it worries her. She was always the one on the rollercoaster, but now it feels like I’ve gotten on with her, and there’s no way to get off until it’s over.
I feel things. Things I wouldn’t ever expect to feel. It’s like the iron box around my heart has been unlocked, and my emotions are starting to seep out. I tried to stop myself from comforting her after we had sex, but I couldn’t stand to see the look in her eyes. The fear of not knowing if what we did was right. The guilt that comes with enjoying something you want to hate.
I’ve felt it too, though I could never tell her why. That guilt that creeps up in the back of your throat like acid reflux, impossible to ignore, but not nearly as powerful as the pleasure you’ve gained from doing something you know to be wrong.
It’s like the first time I pulled the trigger on another person. I remember it clearly, like it was yesterday. Pulling that trigger didn’t bring my family back, but it made me feel like I had some control again, a way of being stronger than the people who made me feel weak.
My mother, my sister, and my father will never return, but neither will the man who killed them in front of me. As to why he left me alive, I still don’t know, but it was a mistake he wasn’t able to make twice.
Sometimes, I feel like I should thank him for putting me on this path, but mostly I don’t even think about it. The past can’t be changed. The future is the only thing I have, and up until now, it’s been quite bleak.
But Sage… she’s going to change all that. She’s already unlocked doors inside of me that probably should remain closed, but I like it.
Just like she enjoyed the way I pounded her in the dark, dragging her down to my level with every beautiful wave of pleasure that rolled through her delicate body. I, too, enjoy to blissful suffering that has befallen me.
