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Something shifts in her demeanor, and I can tell this is the moment everything has been leading up to. Anxiety fills every fiber of my being to the pits of my shadows.
She is toying with the idea of living or dying. She is right back to feeling the same things she felt when I first crossed paths withher, and I feel guilty that she has to feel like this again. That awful yet glorious moment when I laid my eyes on her for the first time.
This moment will change our entire future. She will decide whether or not she will succumb to the pressures of life and end it all. Her purpose will be decided in mere moments and it’s too much for me to handle. Allowing her to feel so low might be the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.
I move away, in fear of stopping her before she can make her choice. I can't do anything right now besides pace from a distance, silently willing her to choose me, us. I will intervene if I must, but fuck, I hope she can do this. Come on, pet. Make the right choice. Stick it out for me, please.The Others testing her like this is inhumane and part of me will always resent them for it. I just hope she can forgive me for allowing this to happen.
Chapter 16
Lena
I've never had a reason to hesitate when it comes to self-harm. I've always wished for death with open arms, but this time, there is someone else I have to consider. Someone who may actually miss me. That same someone also happens to be Death himself.
I guess I still wish for it but in a different way now.
My parents think I'm a burden. My mother is only worried about how bad I make her look. My father is only interested in how I can benefit his business. They still don’t know I ended things with Carson. Don't even get me started on that bag of shit. I let myself believe he was a good companion, and I was so fucking stupid.
I'm stuck on what to do.Just kill yourself; nobody will care.The thoughts spiral in my mind, but I can’t make myself go through with them. Something is holding me back. I can smell him all around me, but he won't show himself. Is he testing me? Am I imagining it in hopes of him showing up?
"Kellan?" I cry out, but there is no reply. "Now would be a good time to show up if you're going to. I'm so fucking lost, and I really need you. I just want everything to stop. I want the hurt to go away. I want you," I tellthe empty air around me, and still, he doesn't show himself. "You told me you would try to come if I called. Where are you?"
Tears stream down my face, and my chest heaves up and down. I wipe the snot from my nose with my non-bloody arm and continue to stare between the blade and the spot on my wrist where my radial artery could so easily help me bleed out.
Thoughts swirl inside my head. Life has done nothing but beat me down. Do I want to end the pain and be free? Yes.I can't do it, though. I won't do it. I can't leave this world without making sure Kellan knows exactly what he means to me. He needs to know how he’s changed me.
Life. I think to myself, and a new peaceful sensation fills me. I fell for him. I love him. Should someone's purpose be determined by a man or a personification of a man, in Kellan's case? No. But by love and life, maybe. Love is the one thing that every being naturally seeks. We want to give it and receive it, and you are never alone when there is love.
I was at a crossroads, completely torn with what to do, until now. For the first time, everything is clear, and I drop the blade. My arms fall to my sides, and I choose to live.
I don't know what will come from the students at Thorn Grove, my parents, or anything else that has been plaguing me. For the first time in a long time, I want to actually try to push through my dark impulses.
If things aren't working here, I will go somewhere else. I will forge the life I deserve for myself. I will struggle, I know that, butthis newfound peace that surges through me has me believing I can do anything.
My tears dry up, and I look up toward the sky. I feel free from my thoughts and confident in my decision. I take another deep breath and steady myself, smelling the air around me as crows caw out in the distance.
It feels like someone is watching me, and I turn to see a figure appear directly behind me. I'm frozen in place, unsure of whether or not my eyes are playing tricks on me. A shadowy form with green eyes stares back at me with smokey tendrils reaching out toward me. It’s as if they are yearning to touch me again.
“Pet?" he questions, and I burst into tears.
All of my emotions crash down on me at once. Any doubt I felt over his feelings for me fades away the moment he's back in my presence. I throw my arms around his neck and pull him into me. He shifts into his human form, and his lips land firmly on mine. Our tongues dance for dominance before he bites down on my lip, making me moan.
I missed the feel of him on me, the way his energy surrounds me with nothing but everything all at the same time. Electricity pulses to my core as he slides his hands down my back and grips each one of my ass cheeks, making me moan in his mouth. He lifts me up, and my legs wrap around his waist before he inches us backward to place my ass on the edge of my car’s trunk, and his hands come up to cup my face tenderly. I feel his hard cockpressing up against my center, and I lean into it, shamelessly grinding myself on him.
He groans, and his mouth leaves mine. "I missed you so fucking much. It's been torture being away from you."
He leans in and presses his lips against my neck, and I tilt it to the side to give him better access. One of his hands moves toward the back of my head, and he tangles his fingers in my hair, jerking my head further to the side.
I slide my arm down his back and wince at the pain from the fresh cuts along my wrist. I glance over at them and notice I’ve started bleeding again. To prevent blood from getting all over him, I push him back. Confused, he stands in front of me, and I shamefully pull my arm close to my chest.
He looks down at my wrist and frowns. "You never need to be ashamed of this. I've told you before."
Instead of reprimanding me about using cutting as a coping mechanism, he leans around me to grab something from the trunk. He holds out his hand, indicating for me to give him my arm, and reluctantly, I do.
In addition to my bag of clothes, I’ve started keeping a small first aid kit, fully stocked with a bottle of peroxide. He takes the lid off the bottle and pours it over the cuts, making me hiss at the stinging sensation. Tiny bubbles flicker through the wounds as the liquid does its job, cleaning away any bacteria. He leans in to blow it dry once the pain subsides and the bubbles settle. The feel of his gentle breath on my skin gives me the chills. He grabs alarge gauze pad next, carefully placing it over the cuts and taping it in place. It's not the best bandage, but it will do.
I jump down from the edge of the trunk, suddenly feeling a bit too vulnerable to continue our little make-out session. He eyes me wearily before stepping toward the trunk to pull out the blanket and looks at me with a mischievous smile.
"Stay," is all he says as he walks toward the gravestones I usually sit near.
