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Those were hidden in the top drawer of the white dresser that rested on the right wall.
The emotions I’d been trying to hold back hit me all at once,and tears began to fall as I crossed the room and slowly pulled open the drawer. I took out the small, lidded box, carried it to the bed, and crawled on top. Crisscrossing my legs, I set the box in front of me.
My spirit thrashed when I opened the lid.
I had so few things other than the memories I kept shored in my mind. But these two pictures? They were the only tangible things remaining.
Treasures that I protected at all costs.
I pulled out the stack. My mouth tweaked in love and sorrow as I looked at the picture of me with my parents. They both were standing on either side of me at my high-school graduation. They’d been so proud. So excited. So unaware.
If only I’d been brave enough to tell them then, but I’d thought what I’d been doing was protecting them.
I set that one down so I could look at the next.
A grief so severe slammed me that my entire being swayed to the side. Dizziness washed me through as my heart gripped and bled with looking at the image.
My tiny baby boy was smiling back at me.
Only two teeth on his bottom gums.
The whitest blond hair was sticking up all over his head.
Fisted in his hand was a tiny plush stuffed animal that he held in the air. It had been his favorite toy, one he hadn’t been able to sleep without.
A blue puppy.
And I knew what I’d been doing tonight. I’d been trying to fill a hole that couldn’t be filled. Trying to cover a void that would forever ache.
I could never truly have this.
Love and home and a family.
Because I’d already lost that a long time ago.
Tears streamed as I stared at his precious face before I finally gathered myself and stood, quickly coming to the only logical decision I could make.
I couldn’t stay here.
I’d allowed myself to get too comfortable. To want things I couldn’t have.
Another rush of sorrow hammered me at the thought of leaving here, but there was no other choice.
Ignoring all qualms, I tucked the pictures back into the box, then knelt and pulled the suitcase out from under the bed.
I filled it with my sparse belongings. Clothes and toiletries and three pairs of shoes. I carefully tucked the box in the middle so it would be safe.
I did it systematically.
Robotically.
Rhythmically.
There was almost a comfort in it since it was an action I knew so well.
Then I curled up on the bed on top of the covers and slept restlessly, still wearing my clothes and shoes, so when the dawn broke on the horizon and the dark of my room turned to a murky gray, I was ready to leave.
I’d waited until I was sure River was long gone and any threats from last night had melted away.
