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Apprehension gusted, and every muscle in my body flexed. Didn’tneed to ask my sister what she was referring to. Still, I couldn’t tear my gaze from outside as I mumbled, “Don’t know.”
Raven scoffed. “What do you mean, you don’t know? You can’t invite someone into your life like this and expect that you’re going to keep them in the dark.”
“I thought you wanted me and Charleigh together?” It scraped up my suddenly raw throat like I was dueling my sister in some kind of challenge. Knew she was only concerned, but shit.
She smacked me on the side of the arm with the back of her hand. “Of course, I want you two to be together, you big dummy. You two are perfect for each other. I knew it the first time I saw you together. Like, hello chemistry. There was this whole…thing…going on between you two.”
She waved her hands around when she saidthing, like she was trying to encompass whateverthiswas in the flail of her hands.
“I mean, it was so intense, there wasn’t anyone there who didn’t see it for what it was. But that doesn’t change who you are, River. What you’ve done and what you continue to do, and the only reason I have been concerned about you two being together at all is because I know the lengths you go to conceal those parts of yourself.”
“What do you expect me to do, Raven?”
She widened those dark eyes at me like it should be obvious.
When I didn’t answer, she let go of a disbelieving breath and pushed, “Tell her.”
My insides shriveled. Balking at the thought. Stomach dumping out on the floor, already anticipating the coming loss.
If she had even the slightest inclination, she’d go running so far and so fast that I’d never be able to catch up to her. Sure, she’d acted like it was no big deal when I told her I’d done terrible things, but we had a way of minimalizing warnings in our minds if we wanted something bad enough.
Ignoring every danger sign.
She’d probably chalked it up to me committing some petty theft.
But if she knew? There was no way she could ignore it.
“Tell her?” The words came out on a bitter laugh.
Crossing her arms over her chest, Raven cocked her head. “Um, yeah. What, you think you can invite her into this family and just act like you’re someone you’re not? I know you’re scared of what she’ll think, but you can’t start a relationship based on secrets, River. You know those secrets will only eat away at anything you build, and that foundation is going to crumble. And I can’t stand the thought of that for either of you. Both of you deserve so much better than that.”
My head shook. “My whole life is a fuckin’ secret, Raven. You know it’s not safe for anyone if she knows. It’s bad enough I brought her here. That I’m doingthis…”
Thiscame out of me like I was confessing a mortal sin. Maybe that was exactly what it was.
“What exactly are you doing, River? Loving someone who needs to be loved? Allowing yourself to be loved?”
I blanched, spirit trying to refute it. My transgressions so dark and ugly there was nothing I could ever do to eradicate the blemishes. Nothing I could do to wash the stains from my hands.
I’d always had the terrible sense that having Raven and Nolan in my life was only temporary. That I got to keep them for a little while only to know exactly what it was like to love with all your heart, and my punishment was going to be getting them ripped away.
Which I guessed was why I’d always spoken of the temporary when it came to Charleigh. Unwilling to believe that I could have anything permanent, even though the promise of its permanence kept getting free of my heart and lips, anyway.
Unable to imagine letting her go.
My attention drifted back out the window. Charleigh and Nolan were both cracking up where they’d toppled to a pile on the ground, rolling around and giggling as they played.
My heart that kept telling lies climbed up to take residence in my throat.
Raven laughed a sorrowful yet glacial sound. “You can’t even admit it, can you? That you love her?”
“I don’t…” I turned my attention to the ground and ran a trembling palm over my face.
Fuck.
Apparently, I couldn’t deny it, either.
Raven sighed, took a step closer, then reached out and took me by the outside of both arms and turned me toward her.
