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He nods and brings his hands to my hips.
For a song, we stay there, swaying together, close, but not close enough.
I want to move toward him, but something stops me. A hesitation. A fear. The logic that only comes with sobriety.
Maybe this is a bad idea.
Maybe I can't play the games he plays.
I tried BDSM once. I made an account on a dating app, but everyone I met went straight to discussing sex, and they made it sound so strange and sterile. Impersonal.
I still went for it. I met a guy with a taste for restraints. I went on two dates. I went home with him.
But then he offered to tie me up, and I couldn't do it. Even though he was respectful and safe at every turn, I didn't trust him. I didn't want to experience this with him.
I'm not a romantic. I don't need to love the people I fuck. But I need to like them. I need to trust them.
And there was no way I could trust a near stranger.
But, at the moment, I see the logic in semi-anonymous kinky sex.
With Jackson, there's so much at stake. My closest friendship. My family. My relationship with him too.
What if I'm not what he wants?
What if he's not what I need?
This just might ruin everything.
Then he pulls me closer, and I forget all those concerns. He feels so good against me.
What else could possibly matter?
I wrap my arms around Jackson's shoulders, and I move in time with the music.
He moves with me, pressing his hips to mine.
Slowly, my body melts into his, my thighs around his leg, my chest against his chest, my cheek against his cheek, my hands against his skin.
It is easier not looking at him.
I don't have to think about what it means or who can see.
I close my eyes and let the beat flow through my body.
I didn't inherit my father's talent. I can't hum a melody or keep time, but I still love the feeling of music flowing throughmy veins. I love the way it syncs up with my heartbeat, breath, movements. I love the way it overtakes me.
It's visceral, and spiritual, and intellectual.
The perfect mix of body, soul, mind.
It sends calm racing through my veins. Calm and excitement. How is that possible? Some mix of neurotransmitters. The focus. The sense of touch, of Jackson and me in sync.
Human beings are social animals.
We feel good when we connect. And we want to connect physically. Through touch. Through movement.
There's new research. Shared physical experiences bond us. That's part of why sex is so important to relationships.
