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It doesn't work. The shift in subject sends interest back into her eyes. "That isn't masturbation."
"I'm touching myself."
"For her," she says. "With her help. If one person comes with the aid of another, that's sex."
"What if they don't come?"
"Because they were interrupted?" she asks. "Or because the intent wasn't orgasm?"
"Either."
"Depends," she says. "If you have to ask, it's probably sex."
That's a better definition than mine. It would have kept me from having phone sex with my ex for months.
How can I even suggest it's not sex? Sex is right there in the title.
It's not as intimate as other things, but it's a relationship all the same.
Now, when I'm really on my own—
That's a harder question to answer.
I don't masturbate often. It's not a lack of interest in sex. Quite the opposite.
The more I want it, the more I delay.
Some things are better when you wait. With sex—
Waiting is half the fun. Most of it even.
Still. I'm not a monk. I do enjoy solo sessions from time to time.
"Usually, I replay memories," I answer honestly, with as little embellishment as possible. "Sometimes, I imagine a scenario. Occasionally, I use an old picture or clip. One an ex gave me permission to keep."
"Doesn't that bother your new girlfriend?" she asks.
"I don't do it if I have a new girlfriend."
"But you replay memories of exes?" she asks.
"Of course. Don't you?"
"No," she says. "But it's not your turn yet. You didn't answer the entire question."
I answered most of it. But she's right. We agreed to these rules. I will honor them. "I use lube. Or lotion if lube isn't handy. That's it."
"Never porn?"
"Not in a long time," I say.
"Because you prefer the emotional connection to the homemade videos?"
That's one way to put it.
"I didn't have a good experience with porn," I say. "A friend introduced me to it too early. It was too much." Too aggressive, too obvious, too fake. It didn't make sense to my young brain. "I always associated it with that feeling."
"You've never tried to find something you like?" she asks.
