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I guess Zack told her that. She's right. It's absurd. Ironic.
Something I'll laugh at in a few years.
As a story Daphne and I tell our kids.
Or one I tell my coworkers.
One that seals my fate.
"It seems like she doesn't remember." It nearly breaks my heart to say it. To think it. Which is strange. No one has ever broken my heart before.
I've left women, and women have left me. I've missed partners the way I missed an old sport, a favorite tea, a restaurant.
I felt the lack, but I didn't lose a part of myself.
"Maybe she doesn't," Cassie says.
I take a long sip of the iced tea. It's weak and strong at the same time. Astringent yet lacking flavor.
Mediocre, like most coffee shop tea.
Still, the caffeine helps. And the average quality is familiar. I need that now.
Something stable.
That's another irony. Looking for stability because my decision to marry introduced too much chaos to my life.
That's why people marry. Why I always planned to marry.
To have someone I can count on, something steady.
But maybe that's an illusion. Maybe that's a mirage.
How do you ever really know you can count on someone?
People change, walk away, divorce.
Marriage is a legal contract, yes. I can enforce community property, but there's no way to force someone to love me, care for me, want to stay in my life forever.
I stare at the desert, willing the desolate landscape to answer my questions.
Cassie sits with me. "Do you want to tell me what happened?"
I take another sip. "It's not a long story." Not the parts I'd share with her. "We were playing truth or dare. A way to see which of us is more fun."
Cassie raises a brow. "Do I want to know?"
"Do you want to know about my sex life?" I ask.
"No," she says. "But I've already heard too many details. You know I ran into Maddie a few times. Right?"
I did not know that. I shake my head.
Cassie continues, "She let it slip that you have an interesting appreciation of ties. I guess she wanted to know what to buy for your birthday." She tries to imitate Maddie's steady, matter-of-fact way of speaking. "Would Jackson rather see a black tie or a teal tie around my wrists? What about gold? That suits him." She shudders in distaste. "There were some vivid mental images. I almost forgot them. And gold is not your color."
"She went with teal." The joke settles my stomach. Eases the tension in my shoulders. I don't feel great after last night, but I don't feel hungover either. No pounding headache or dry mouth or fuzzy memories.
"Gross." Cassie puts her hands over her face in a show of hiding. "I'm not listening."
