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I hate thinking about how scared I was to mess up on the ice back then. It felt like literal life and death.
“So, the day he died, it was a huge relief for me. I felt lighter. And although she had to work a lot, and I traveled to games and tournaments with a lot of other families, she always made sure I could play hockey. I’m not sure if it was because my dad wanted me to or because she knew how much I loved it, but she never took it away from me. I felt guilty for a long time because I didn’t find any joy in it until after he died.”
“I’m glad you were able to find your love for the game after he was gone. It sounds like it was hard to find enjoyment when he would ride you so hard.”
I nod. “Yeah, I had some great coaches. I’m pretty sure everyone in my area knew about him. The sports world can seem small at times. But everyone was always nice to Mom and me. Jack’s family took me in as one of their own through high school and never asked my mom for hotel room or food reimbursement. That’s why I was at the wedding.” I smile at her.
She kisses my cheek. “Thank God for that.”
“Definitely.” I swallow the lump in my throat. “She never told me she was sick. Didn’t want to worry me when I was finishing up college. I kick myself now because I knew something was up when I saw her the winter before graduation. She looked frail, but she worked so much that I assumed that’s what it was. She told me she’d been taking on a lot of hours. She called me a week after graduation and told me she was sick and wasn’t going to get better. I flew home and sat at her bedside until she died.” I blink back tears when I remember how frail she looked on her deathbed. “I never got to give her the life she deserved. I never got to take care of her. Allow her to stop working, repay her for everything she did for me.”
Kyleigh rises onto her knees and crawls into my lap, laying her head on my chest. “I hate that you had to go through that. Especially alone.”
I hold her in my arms because somehow, she makes the pain bearable. “It’s life, I guess.”
She doesn’t say anything, and we hold each other for a long time.
I hate the feeling that things are great now, but they might not stay that way. It’s one I was well-acquainted with before my dad died and he’d have a good week or two in a row. Life is unfair and unpredictable, and sometimes you get the shit end of the stick.
Thirty-Eight
Kyleigh
The Falcons are backfor their last preseason game at home, and I arrive with my dad, sitting in the seats that Conor gets for us. I felt a little like a traitor when Rowan volunteered to get me seats, and I turned him down, but I want to sit with my dad.
With our popcorn and drinks, we sit down in front of the glass. I take off my sweatshirt, and my dad raises his eyebrows.
“I’m sorry, but Conor can deal with it.”
“But his jersey?” My dad looks exhausted with the fight his two children are in.
“Rowan’s important to me, and I want to support him.” I sit down.
Dad folds himself into the seat next to me. “I know. I do. I tried to talk to him, but he swears you’ve lost your mind, and Rowan is taking advantage of you.”
“Not true. Conor should trust I can make my own decisions.”
I eat my popcorn, hoping I’m here before the warm-ups. Rowan does this one stretch where he thrusts his hips that I love to watch.
My dad doesn’t say anything for a while, and I hope that means he’s going to drop the subject.
“By the way, I wanted to talk to you about something. I don’t want to spoil your night, but it seems the only time you have for me are during these games.” I open my mouth, but he interrupts me before I can say anything. “It’s fine. I remember the early days.”
“Sorry, I’ll try to reach out more.”
He shakes his head. “It’s fine. It’s nice to see you happy. But you should know that your mom and I are getting a divorce.”
It’s not a shock, but my stomach clenches anyway.
“And I think you should talk to her. Hear her side. She’s your mother.”
My hand stops midway to my mouth with the popcorn. “Um…no thanks.”
When I think about what my relationship with my mother will be like moving forward, I’m unsure what to expect. I don’t see myself never talking to her again, but I’m still so angry.
“Look at me, Ky.” My dad turns to me in his seat. Most of the people around us are busy eating and talking and not paying us any attention, so I meet my dad’s gaze. “I made mistakes too. A marriage involves two people, and it’s not an easy road. Which you’ll find out for yourself one day when the time comes. I’m not excusing her actions, and yeah, I’m still mad as hell, but she’s the only mom you’re ever going to have. I’m asking for you to try to find some common ground between you for your sake, not hers, because this will affect you down the road. And it’ll trickle down to your kids when they ask you about their grandmother.”
A pain so sharp it feels as if I’ve been slapped across the face shocks me when I realize that if I’m lucky enough to marry Rowan, my mom will be their only shot at having a grandma. It makes me sad for my imaginary future kids. To only have one set of grandparents who won’t even be married.
