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I walk over and open the door. When it swings open, his fist is raised to knock again. The usual smile he has when he sees me drops, and he steps inside, shutting the door and dropping his bags on the floor before wrapping his arms around me. I go willingly, clinging to him as tears fall, soaking his shirt.
The dam breaks, and all the pushing back of emotions becomes too much as I stand there sobbing in his arms. All I can do is let it out. Unfortunately, the timing couldn’t be worse since I’m standing here with my fuck buddy who’s probably thinking this isn’t what he signed up for.
“I’m sorry.” I back up, wiping my tears from my cheeks.
He steps forward, his arms stretched out, but I ignore them. “Are you okay?”
I nod, mentally laying brick after brick to build the wall back up. “Yeah, sorry, just got a bad phone call.”
His gaze falls to the floor. “Do you want to talk about it?”
Yes! I want to tell you everything. Tell you who I really am. Tell you that I’m messing this up between us.
I want to ramble on and on, but if I do, he leaves. And I lose him. And I can’t bear another loss at this moment.
“I’m sorry, I just don’t think I’m in the mood tonight. Rain check?”
He nods, and I see the drugstore bag at his feet, next to his duffle bag. Condoms that won’t get any use tonight. “Do you want me to leave?”
“I…I don’t know,” I say because I don’t.
It’s supposed to be just sex between us. I’ve never slept in the same bed as Rowan. We’ve been clear about where the line is, although I know he’s slid in under my barbed wire at some point. Sure, maybe it’s great that this thing between us has evolved. But I don’t know how I could ever get into a relationship right now with where my head is, and he doesn’t want anything more than what we have anyway. Letting myself think otherwise is setting myself up for heartbreak, and I’ve had about enough of that lately. Not to mention I’ve been lying to him about who I am, and I have no idea how he’ll react when he finds out.
“I could hang out.”
My shoulders sag. “Nah. I mean that’s not part of the?—”
“Listen.” He takes my hand, guiding me over to the couch. His gaze runs over the room before landing back on me. “I’m still a friend. I think we’ve developed a friendship, right?”
“But—”
“But nothing. I want to. Let me stay and be the friend you need right now.” His blue eyes implore me to give in, but I know it’s because he’s a decent guy, not because he’s falling for me.
“I don’t want to talk about it.” I just want to mourn what I’ve lost. I’m done thinking of future scenarios of what my family dynamic might be going forward. I don’t want people telling me I’ll survive, I’ll get through this right now.
“Fair enough. How about we order takeout and watch a movie?”
I sigh, and my shoulders slump. “Rowan, that’s not our arrangement.”
He presses his lips to my forehead. “Maybe we change the rules. Sex doesn’t have to be on the table in order for us to see each other?” He draws back with questions in his eyes.
Panic constricts my chest. “How about just for tonight?”
Something flashes in his eyes, and it almost looks like disappointment. “What’s your favorite takeout spot?”
He pulls out his phone, and we order from my favorite barbecue place.
I cuddle into his side, and he holds me under his arm as we watch a comedy he chose to cheer me up. It’s one of the best nights I’ve had with him, and I wasn’t even screaming his name in ecstasy.
I’m in so much trouble.
So in over my head.
I’m not telling him who I am because the thought of losing him entirely makes me feel as though I can’t breathe. But losing him is inevitable. Just not tonight.
Twenty-Six
Rowan
