AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“Rowan,” I whisper, “You know I knew who you were the night of the wedding. But I didn’t go up to your room because of who you are in hockey or who you are in Chicago. I went up to your room because you made me laugh and the ease between us. I thought this would end that night, but it didn’t. I’m not sleeping with you so I can tell people I’m sleeping with Rowan Landry, professional hockey player. It’s just hard to separate you from the icon you are. Does that make sense?”
He picks up his silverware wrapped in a paper napkin and plays with the paper napkin ring with his fingers. “Ever wish you could meet someone who didn’t know who you are?”
More than he knows. I smile, but it’s strained. “I’m not famous.”
He tosses the paper napkin ring to the side and nods. “I’m not famous either. I can go a lot of places without anyone recognizing me, but just once I’d love to know for certain that someone isn’t trying to use me.”
My mouth falls open, and I slide out of my side of the booth and into his. I take his head in my hands. “Is that what you think?”
He doesn’t say anything.
“Hi, I’m Ellen, your wait?—”
I put up my hand. “Can you give us five, Ellen?”
I’m pretty sure she goes away because Rowan’s eyes land on mine after diverting to hers for a second. “Answer my question.”
“I don’t think so, until you refer to me using my first and last name. Like it’s out of the realm of possibility that I’m here with you. I don’t like it.”
I search his face for where this insecurity is coming from. Has he been scorned by someone before? Did he fall for some woman who pretended to love him because he’s a professional athlete? I really hope not.
“Why are you worried even if I was? I mean, we’re not a couple…”
He takes my hands off his cheeks and lowers them to his lap. “When I’m with you, I forget who I am to the outside world. I’m just a guy who met a girl that he can’t stop thinking about all the time. Then I get reminded of how you might think of me, and I’m not sure…shit, just forget what I said.”
My chest squeezes, and my stomach whooshes down to my feet. “Why are we forgetting it?”
His hand slides to my knee, and he lifts the edge of my dress, so his palm is touching my skin. He inches it up to my mid thigh. “Because I sound like an idiot. Asking you to separate me from the hockey player. It’s just?—”
I press my hand on his covering my thigh. “I get it. I do. When I’m with you, I only see you as the guy I’m fucking. The guy that…” I don’t want to tell him all my internal battles to make sure I keep him in a category where I won’t be hurt. Not that I love him, but I like him. A lot. And now I have to end this, tell him who I am, and see him from time to time and pretend there was never anything between us. “I wish we were different.”
He tilts his head, not understanding what I’m saying.
“I kind of wish we were both in the headspace to be looking for something. That dating was an option for us. But it’s not.”
He frowns, and his palm glides up my leg. “I get what you’re saying.”
I don’t miss that he doesn’t say, “I wish dating were an option too.” It tells me where I stand with him, which I can’t argue. Regardless of whether he can’t stop thinking of me, this was our deal. And I’m in no way ready to venture into a new relationship with all the crap with my mom still swirling through my head. I’m not even sure I believe in true love anymore.
His finger runs over the outside of my underwear, and we both groan. “Want to get the pizza to go before I can’t control myself and finger the woman consuming me in some pizza joint?”
He’s deflecting, not wanting to talk about his feelings, and I can’t call him out because I’m hiding so much myself. I need to tell him I’m Conor Nilsen’s sister, that I found out my mom is cheating on my dad, and that my head is all over the place, which is why I didn’t tell him sooner.
Then he slides a finger under the elastic of my underwear, toying with my clit. He lowers his head, and he whispers, “I need you.”
I raise my hand. “Ellen!”
We get the pizza to go, and it grows cold on Rowan’s counter as we finish what we started at the pizza place. Once again, I can’t bring myself to tell him who I really am.
One more day, I tell myself. Just one more day.
Nineteen
Rowan
“Harder,”Leigh says, her fingers tightening in my hair. “Right there. Don’t stop.”
She’s mad if she thinks I’d stop. She’s lying on her back, her legs straight up on my chest and shoulders while I’m bent over her. I can’t get deep enough.
