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“I can’t blame you, I was hot in high school.” I revert to my usual way of making an uncomfortable situation more comfortable.
She chuckles, but it’s not the one I’ve become accustomed to. She’s still embarrassed. “Yeah, I was one of your many admirers.”
“And I was an idiot.” The fact that this beautiful woman pined away for me, and I wasn’t aware of it tells me how stupid I was.
“You were a senior and popular. I was a freshman and a geek.”
“I’m pretty sure you were the same kind of person you are now. The same one who helped me film and get views. The one who doesn’t make me feel like I’m the stupid Noughton brother just because I like to make jokes.”
“I shouldn’t have said I can’t rely on you at the bar.”
It sucked hearing those words from her, but the only thing I can do is prove to her—and everybody else—that she’s wrong about me. “It’s okay. But you’re dodging the question.”
“Because I don’t want to tell you.”
“So I did do something.” I sigh.
She doesn’t say anything, and I worry she might be over this conversation. That she’ll open this door with a suitcase in hand and say she’s going to Gillian’s.
“I’m thankful there’s a door between us,” she says. “Otherwise, I couldn’t gather the nerve.”
I wait for her to carry on because in order to make it up to her, I have to know what I did. I can’t remember for the life of me.
“The summer after freshman year, Gillian dragged me to your family’s annual Fourth of July pig roast. I pretty much sat in a corner the entire time, watching Clayton play with Koa next to me on his game console. I didn’t want to be there, but Gillian did, and she deserved a break. Plus, I think it was her first time coming back to your family’s home after Ben left. I wanted to support her.”
“You’re a good sister.”
“I can’t even tell her I’m pregnant. That I slept with a married man. I’m lying to her every single minute of every day. I’m not a very good sister.”
“Let’s be honest, she’s gone a little psycho lately.”
She chuckles. “A little, but I get it. She had no childhood. She was raising Koa and me because my dad had to work all the time. She knows you well and doesn’t want me to be hurt. I’m not saying she’s right about it, but you have a reputation, Emmett, and I understand her concern.”
I nod, although she can’t see me. She’s right, but I always thought Gillian saw through my defense mechanisms. That she saw the good that lives inside me. Sure, I preferred one-night stands and flings with no real attachments, but I’ve never led anyone on. Never lied about my intentions. Does it make me a terrible person that I didn’t want a serious relationship until Briar? Until she found a way through my armor?
“So you were at the party,” I say to get her back on track.
“You came over, joking with your friends. Said there was a bet that Clayton was Ben’s kid. You asked me if you could hold him on your lap, and I said no because you were clearly drunk.”
I rack my brain. Senior year, pig roast, me being a jackass as usual. Sounds about right. “My dad let me get drunk?”
“You were eighteen and had graduated by then,” she says by way of explanation.
“Kudos for not letting a drunk guy hold a baby. What was Clay? Four?”
“Three. And he did love you. Held his arms out and wanted to go to you. I guess he’s always loved you.”
“I am the fun Noughton.”
A laugh escapes her.
“And then?” I ask.
“And then one of your friends squatted down and looked into Clayton’s eyes as if he thought he’d see Ben there.”
“Who?”
“James Jackson.”
