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THREE
I remember when I was shown our office space on my first day working here at Wiseman Brothers. I imagined an office overlooking London, floor-to-ceiling windows and water coolers and coffee pod machines where colleagues would meet and discuss current affairs and last night’s television. I remember getting in the lift and Jan from HR pressing the -2 button. Were we going to the car park? I’d taken the Tube in. Maybe Jan wanted to show me her car or some subterranean gym facility that I could use after work. But the lift kept going down, and we got out and wandered around a rabbit’s warren of corridors, faintly lit by bleak strip lighting and a strong smell of bleach. Maybe Jan is going to kill me, I thought. I’ve watched enoughCriminal Mindsto know this is how it starts. I’m being lured into a room and I’m going to be chained to a wall. My poor parents. I remember I looked down at my phone. No signal. I reached into my coat pocket and got out my keys, ready to go for Jan if she cornered me. I’d go for the eyes.
‘And this is it,’ she said, as we got to a green door with a weathered, scratched sign sayingit. Was this a joke? The doorhad a fireproof glass panel to the centre with a faded printout of the department opening hours.
here from 9am-5pm. if we’re not in here, we’re fixing stuff or we’ve gone out for a byte to eat
I saw the sign and laughed. Jan didn’t, but she pushed the door open and we went in. Two guys were sitting there. I can’t describe what else I saw in that room. It felt like a cross between a university social space and a Comic Con convention. In the corner was a cardboard cut-out of a Stormtrooper, boxes of wires sitting haphazardly around the space and an inflatable sofa. The room smelt like burning solder and men’s deodorant. I remember sighing deeply that this was now my life. I may have thought differently about accepting the job had I known.
‘Jan, why are you here? I closed that ticket. Your colleague has to charge the laptop for it to work. This is why it died,’ one of the guys said moodily.
I took a step back. I had gone smart for my first day whereas this person had a large colourful scarf wrapped around his neck, like a seventies’ Doctor Who.
‘Why is it so cold in here, Jasper?’ Jan asked, shivering.
‘It’s what happens when your office is literally a catacomb. There are corpses warmer than us at the moment,’ Jasper said. I glanced down to his hands to see actual mittens.
In the corner of the room in a large puffer jacket was an Asian gentleman whose desk was adorned with a pyramid formation of energy drink cans and Lego models. He didn’t look up but seemed engaged with whatever was on his computer screen.
‘I guess I’ll leave you to acquaint yourselves with the department,’ Jan said. Never mind chaining me to a wall and killing me – that somehow felt like a better option. She turned toleave and I think I heard the echoes of her footsteps running away. I stood there by the doorway.
‘If you have an IT problem, you’ll have to fill in the online form like everyone else and we’ll issue you a ticket. There’s little we can do without the form,’ said Jasper glancing up at me briefly.
‘I guess we’ll start by working on your people skills,’ I replied, my eyes still fixed on the inflatable sofa.
Jasper stopped to scowl and looked up at me. ‘Are you also from HR then?’
‘No, I’m Maggie Field. I’m your new supervisor and line manager.’
I remember saying it but not quite believing it. Having worked lower down the tech food chain for a number of years, this felt like a real leap into the unknown. It was Maggie in the city, a managerial title on her lanyard; a woman in charge, making a difference. I felt such pride, but had also thrown up twice that morning in absolute terror. It was hugely surprising to me, therefore, that both of those men looked up from their computers, a moment of fear striking through them, and they both stood up from their desks, as if a teacher had just walked into the room.
‘Shit. I’m so sorry. I swore too. I’m doubly sorry,’ Jasper mumbled, the colour drained from his already cold face. The other gentleman stood there rooted to the spot, unable to look at me. ‘We were told you were starting next week. And also you’re…’ Overdressed? Early? In the wrong office? Please be the latter. I paused to let him finish his sentence. ‘A woman.’ I wasn’t sure whether to be offended or deeply confused by that statement but I watched as Jasper flicked through papers on his desk. ‘Mr Magnus Field?’
I laughed. This job was getting off to an even better start than I thought. I watched one of the lights flicker in the corner, noticed a dark stain in the middle of the floor, andwhat sounded like the rumblings of the building’s plumbing.Maybe you can simply walk, Maggie. You can say this was all a big mistake. Go back to the tech company you were working for in Slough. The one with the cubicles and the views of the motorway, where the food options were the big Tesco or the kebab van in the lay-by.A shiver went through me knowing that these were my options.
‘My name is Maggie. My middle name is Agnes. To my knowledge, I was born a woman,’ I stated plainly.
‘Oh…’ Jasper said. We stood there, soaking in the awkward silence between all of us.
‘Jasper and Francis?’ I ask them.
‘People call him Frank,’ Jasper said. ‘Amongst other things.’
They both sniggered and I nodded, not quite getting the joke. I glanced over to the corner where on a small table sat a kettle, a jar of instant coffee and aLord of the Ringsmug that said ‘One Mug To Rule Them All’. I took a very deep breath, the air misting as I exhaled, and nodded in the kettle’s direction. ‘Well, switch that on and make me a coffee and let’s get acquainted. Do you have any biscuits down here?’
‘I’m dying. Literally dying,’ Jasper exclaims now, allowing his body to be consumed by one of the colourful bean bags in the corner of our office.
‘Well, we’re underground at least. We won’t have far to take your body to bury you,’ Frank tells him.
Jasper responds to this by sticking a middle finger in the air for all of us to see. At least you will die in comfort, Jasper. Had I not made it here, you’d be dying on an inflatable sofa, in the cold. I may not have made a huge professional impact on this company but at least I threw that sofa out and got us beanbag chairs. I fixed the lights, bought a cheap coffee pod machine for the corner of the room, freestanding heaters, and ensured all thewires were in labelled boxes. The Stormtrooper stayed (his name is Stanley), Leo joined us six months later and I kept the notice on the door because it is funny. I laminated it though for posterity.
‘Drink that juice I bought you. You need fructose and hydration,’ I tell him. He takes his coat and covers himself like a blanket. ‘If that doesn’t do the job, just die quietly so we can work.’
‘I will try. Can you tell my mother that I loved her dearly?’
‘I will.’
‘Thank you. You’re a wonderful boss.’
