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‘Good luck, Frank. You can do this,’ I say giving him a gentle pat to the back.
‘Why do I need luck? It’s just walking, right? Is there a special walk I need to do?’
‘No, but…come with me,’ I tell him, laughing.
I take him to the back of the church into a sea of identical red dresses and gorgeous little children in white dresses with big red bows, taking my scarf off and loosening the buttons on my coat.
‘One together, two together…’ I show him, his arm looped through mine. I watch him walk. It’s not a natural movement but it’ll get him down the aisle at least.
There’s suddenly the sound of clapping and we all turn around to see an angry-looking man with a clipboard, dressed head to toe in black. He glares in my general direction. ‘Why have you still got a coat on?’
I look around. Who? Me?
‘Take it off! Take it off!’ he shrieks.
‘Yeah, but…I’m not a…I’m…’ I say, hesitating. Out of nowhere, another person arrives to strip me of my coat, placing a bouquet in my hands. I stare at Frank in absolute panic, other bridesmaids around me looking supremely confused.
‘Seriously, she’s just…’ Frank says but there’s no time. The doors to the church suddenly open and Frank and I see a church full of people, waiting. OK then. I guess I’m doing this. I cling on to Frank extra tightly as we walk down that aisle together, the groom squinting up ahead, wondering who I am. I’m so sorry. But then it’s also then I notice a figure at the end of the aisle, in full-on glare mode. Regina San. Oh my days, that is not a good look.
TEN
‘You did such a good job, well done!’ a gentleman in a fetching red waistcoat tells me, as I sip at my glass of champagne in this very festive hotel lobby. Damn this dress, seriously. It’s made me look super desperate, like I wasn’t asked to be a bridesmaid so I’ll just show up in the exact same dress and pretend to be one. Like when people wear white or have their boobs on display at weddings to upstage the bride.
‘Thank you,’ I tell him to try and save face, moving the holly decoration from the rim of my glass so I don’t hurt myself.
That was possibly the most tense forty-five minutes of my life, walking down that aisle (leaving cousin Andrea to walk on her own) and having to stand on the steps of that altar for the whole time, all the bridal party double-taking to see me there. I didn’t stick around for the photos but found my coat and put it firmly back on. The problem was, once we got off the double-decker bus (which was lovely by the way – it was also a guided tour for those visiting London and there were snacks onboard), we were ushered into this grand hotel and I had to give up my coat to the cloakroom. So now I’m standing here hiding behind a grand Christmas tree swathed in lights and red ribbons, theimposter bridesmaid who doesn’t really know anyone here. I lost Frank after the ceremony to photos and usher duties, though I meant what I said to him, today is not a day for him to worry about me.
‘Kueh Pie Tee?’ a waiter asks me.
I look down at the platter in front of me to see little crispy cups piled with prawns and julienned vegetables. ‘I think so, yes?’ I tell him. The food is slightly unfamiliar but I’ve been brave and tried it all. The satay with the peanut dipping sauce was next level so I may have overindulged and people know this all too well, as I now stand here with six empty wooden skewers in my hand. Maybe I can hide them in this tree?
‘It’s a classic Singaporean dish, it’s very tasty,’ a voice pops up behind me and I turn to see Norah standing there. ‘I thought I’d come over. Figured you wouldn’t know too many people here?’
‘That would be correct,’ I say, biting into the canapé. She is correct, it’s very tasty but messy and falls apart in the same way a taco does. I wipe away at bits of coriander around my lip. ‘That is good.’
‘You did an excellent job, by the way. Being a bridesmaid. I hope I’m not being too forward, but haven’t you only started going out with Frank?’ she asks me.
‘Oh, let’s just say it was a terrible case of wearing the wrong dress in the wrong crowd and the next thing I knew, I had a bouquet and someone was pushing me down the aisle,’ I tell her and she giggles. ‘An unfortunate case of twinning. Does it make me look sad and desperate?’ I ask her.
She shakes her head, smiling. She reaches into something draped over her bag. ‘Here, have this…’ she says handing over a silk embroidered bolero. ‘It won’t keep you warm but maybe it’ll help hide the dress?’ she tells me.
‘I-I…’ I’m basically holding too many things. Champagne, clutch and evidence that I’ve eaten my fair share of canapés, so I rest everything on the floor for a moment to try it on. It is perfect and I feel a tad emotional about the gesture. ‘Really?’
‘Really,’ she says beaming. ‘So is this your first Asian wedding?’
I bend down to pick up my things. ‘Yes. It was quite…’
‘Crazy Rich Asians?’ she says, laughing.
‘With birds?’ I add.
I am not sure I will ever experience a wedding ceremony like that again. As the bride made her entrance, birds were released into the church. Could have been doves, could have been pigeons for all I know, but most of the congregation ducked, arms to their heads, as they all swooped in.
‘They were trained, apparently,’ she tells me.
I laugh. I’m not sure how you train a dove, but I think I saw one poo in the baptismal font. As the bride made her way through the flurry of feathers a choir stood to attention and sang an Adele song, which I guess is fitting because of her name, but maybe less so when you think that the other Adele usually sings about how a man has done one over on her. I’d only ever seen pictures of Adele but she was a picture-perfect bride, swathed in lace, and everyone took a huge intake of breath to see her appear at the door of the church, backlit by the pale winter sun.
‘Classic San event, all a bit extra shall we say?’ she says, smiling.
