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I don’t say anything now, watching his expressions morph; gone are the lines around his eyes when he smiles and the tiltof amusement kissing his lips. His lips are parted, his eyes unblinking.
“Tell me, what has dating been like here for you, hm?” He lowers his chin, keeping his eyes directly on mine. “Full of disappointment, if the night we met is any indication.”
“And you think you’re different?”
His smirk returns, this time backed by a chuckle.
“Time will tell, I suppose.”
He steps away, lifting my bag and holding it out toward me. I watch as he walks away once it’s in my hold, the sound of the door closing behind him making me jump into action.
I place the strap of my bag onto my shoulder and glance down at my phone just as it pings with a message.
Save my number
Despite the worry pitting in my stomach, mixed with the high of the potency of his energy, I do just as he says.
I save his number under the name Abraham and tuck my phone back in my purse, leaving the auditorium with my head held high.
If I’m going to crack for him, I’m going to do it beautifully.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
I’M CRACKING NOW
PRESENT
How do you explain to the babies that you birthed that you have no fucking clue what you’re doing? And that, for the first time in a long time, you’re putting yourself first. Even before their feelings and desires.
Being selfish costs, and the price is steep.
You pay in tears and lonely nights; you pay in uncertainty and trepidation.
Four eyes—two brown and two hazel—stare at me, waiting for me to speak. Little eyes that have been looking to me for guidance from the moment they first opened.
“Things are going to change,” I try to start, and I notice Jilly’s chin start to tremble. “But change isn’t always a bad thing.” I rush out the last part.
I’m barely holding it together, but I’ll fake it for them. I’d do anything for them and maybe one day they’ll see it for themselves. That I have to give up their perfect life so I can have the strength to continue my own.
“Isn’t Daddy gonna be lonely?” Jillian asks and I blink several times to keep my own tears in check.
This is the first conversation he and I haven’t tackled together. To be fair, we haven’t been doing too many things together anymore. Not since I told him it’s time to live separately a few days ago.
“You’ll still see Daddy,” I answer in earnest, nodding my head as my gaze flits between the two of them. “That will never change.”
“What if you decide you don’t want us like you decided you don’t want Daddy anymore?”
Penny’s question stops me short, and I stare at her with my mouth agape and my eyes wide. She’s looking down at her hands that rest just on top of her crossed legs, her feet tucked under.
“Wh—who…where did you get the idea that I wouldn’t want you?” I stammer and stumble over my words, trying in vain to steer the conversation in the least traumatizing manner.
She shrugs and I yearn to pull her in my arms and reassure her that I’ll always want her. But something in the way her shoulders slump forward make me pause.
“Did someone tell you this at school?” She nods, her dark locks sliding forward and hiding her face, but not before I see a tear slide down her cheek. “I will always love Daddy because he’s your Daddy. But I willalwayslove you two because you’re mine. I will never not want you.”
My voice is shaky by the end, and I can’t help but reach out and pull them both toward me. I feel them shake against me as they cry and I can’t help the tears that fall from my eyes as I squeeze them against my chest, missing the days where they were safe inside of me.
“Daddy and I are still going to love you the same. We’re just going to love you separately now,” I whisper as I hold them tightly. We sit there for a long time, just crying and holding each other.
