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“I don’t owe you anything, you selfish bastard. I’vewaited. I’ve been good to you. I gave you a child—somethingthat womancouldn’t do. Yeah, I heard about the baby she lost. I overheard Tracey talking about it. But I guess that doesn’t matter since she’s pregnant now, huh?” She was holding her injured hand against her chest, which was expanding and retracting with her frustration.
I was out of my seat and in her space before she could finish her question, my arms keeping her against the sink. I noticed the way her skin flushed, but I ignored it. “Watch what you say. Especially when you have no idea what you’re talking about.” I clenched my fists, though I would never hit Rachel.
I still cared about her. But, this wasn’t the woman I’d learned to care for. Callous remarks tossed out so carelessly…she’d never spoken to me like that before.
Then again, I’d never raised my voice to her as high as I’d just done. This wasn’t theusI was used to.
“Yeah? Why’d you guys break up? I heard you talking to Tracey, Dex. She hid a child’s existence from you! And we have afamily! How could that ringnotbe for me?” Her eyes were shining, and her quivering lips pinched together after a moment. “I didn’t know she was pregnant when she showed up!”
And then, I knew. She’d gone through my things, found the ring, and had it on— playinghousein the home I’d let her make herself too comfortable in.
But I also knew we’d been down this road before.
I couldn’t…
“I already told you, Rachel—”
She began talking over me and I raised my voice—hating it—wishing she could just understand. But she couldn’t.
Life didn’t teach us, didn’t prepare us for having one love and one love only.
My heart was never mine to give away. From the moment I was tossed back in the stratosphere, it was half-held in the grasp of a young woman with hair like a summer sky. Once our eyes met, she tightened that grip fiercely and without mercy until all of it belonged to her.
“You’ll change your mind, Dex. You’ll learn to love me that way—”
“No, I won’t. I won’t because you aren’t her. Damn it, Rachel!” I paused, calming myself down. “Listen to me. I love Phoebe, and I care for you. But when it comes to Noa, don’t get in my way.” I pinned her with my eyes as her tears fell. Then, I strode out of the house, pushing the screen door with so much force it bounced against the wall.
I gathered Phoebe in a tight hug and ignored her grandmother’s questioning eyes. Then I set my daughter down and got in my car, slamming the door with more force than necessary.
I was stuck. I wanted to fight for Noa, to earn her again, but I wasn’t ready to yet. I was still so pissed at her. I was stuck knowing she was everything I wanted, but I wasn’t ready to face her deception. It was tough enough being in love, but being in love with someone who shattered my world…how could I move forward?
I headed back to the hospital, ready to loiter again until there were any updates.
For now, my job back in Everett—mylifeback there—would have to wait.
Dexter
I thumbedthe box I held in my hand, just as I always did when I worked late. It sat inside my desk during the day. I didn’t dare bring it home where I’d be alone with the consequences of my teenage impulses.
I had the job. I had the ring. But I didn’t have the girl. So, I kept the ring in my office, to keep myself from wrecking the remaining pieces of my life. And to keep me from feeling like my life was over.
Because it wasn’t.
But the Angel of Death had been right. Life without her was empty.
Forever searching…
Where was Noa? Was she alive? Was she happy? Was she as tired of being without me as I was of being without her?
Too many times, I’d come close to typing her name into the search engine, both wondering and worrying about what I might find.
If I found her, would I try to see her?
If I didn’t, it would further damage any opportunity I had to really move on. I would then become obsessed with finding her.
I set the wooden box aside and drummed my fingers against the top of my desk.
My fingers were poised over the keyboard and I was about to type when a voice interrupted me.
