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I wish I’d lit his things on fire. Rachel, too.
They deserved to burn together.
Noa
I figuredTheo would head back to the house quickly, but he took his time.
Good.
I gathered the rest of his things and placed them in the living room. I wanted every trace of him gone. He’d been a pawn in this sick little game Rachel insisted on playing.
When I heard the door open and shut, I didn’t move from where I was standing in the kitchen, my back facing where I was sure he was standing.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered, and I shook my head.
“Don’t bother, Theo.” I shrugged and pressed my lips together to keep from telling him things that would hurt him. I didn’t want to hurt him. I wanted to stop living a lie.
“So, that’s it, then?” he asked.
I finally turned and walked past him to the living room. “I suppose so. All your things are here.”
“After all of this time, you aren’t even sad to see me go. Did I mean that little to you?”
That made me laugh. “Come on, Theo. You know what we had.”
Lies. All lies.
The silence stretched between us and then he started gathering his things. I hoped he’d remain silent but that hope died when he started in again.
“I guess it hurts to know I never had a chance,” he said.
“You had your chance!” I yelled. I looked down at the ring on top of his gym bag. I knew I was lying because if I was being completely honest, Theo could never be Dexter and therefore, that made him impossible to be with.
“You’re such a liar,” he said as his face contorted, and I snorted at the irony. “Do you even know how to tell the truth anymore?”
“That’s rich, coming from you.” I pointed at him and backed up, ready to leave.
“Look around! He’s everywhere! I never stood a chance,” Theo yelled, his arms spread. “Take a good look around this house and tell me if there’s anywhere here that he isn’t. For God’s sake, he’s in bed with us when I touch you.”
I glanced around and only then did I notice the little bits of blue all over the place. Little knickknacks that were glaringly obvious now.
“I asked you to paint the kitchen gray and even that reminds you of him. You look at it with more love than you could ever muster for me. Do you even care why it was Rachel? Because we both know how it feels to love people who don’t give a shit about us. It just so happened that we were both victims of the same screwed up relationship. You pushed me into Rachel’s arms, even after I proposed. You should’ve just said no, Noa. I’m sure you’re happy you don’t have to end it now. You’re so happy I fucked up so now you don’t have to end it. I can be the bad guy now.”
I opened my mouth to argue but he shook his head.
“Spare me.” He placed his hands on his hips. “I could’ve been good to you, Noa, had you given me the chance to.”
He went back to gathering the little things he left behind during our time together and I was saddened by it because there I went again, burning bridges.
I ruined all the love I’d ever been given.
I was a bad person. Regardless of what I used to think of myself, I knew I was a bad person. I chose the safer option, a man who could never burn me the way my love for Dexter had. At the very least, the blue fire between us was natural, something that couldn’t be helped.
Instead, I took the safer route and with every step, I dripped gasoline until I lit a match and burned that other love down.
What was safe wasn’t always safe. And not all that is safe is good.
Fire followed me everywhere I went.
