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He shook his head slowly. “You know, I was affected by you.”
I frowned. “What are you talking about?” I smiled at the waitress when she set down the glasses in front of us. “Two steaks. Ribeye. Medium rare.” She walked away, and I waited for him to pick the conversation back up.
“Look, what happened between you and Noa, that shit was crazy. And then finding out about Molly and Greg, and fuck, man. The things you told me, the shit I saw for myself. That soulmate stuff is no joke—and not something I’m really cut out for. But when I see you guys together, it’s just…right. I don’t know what I’m saying, and I sound like a sappy little shit, but I got scared. I want nothing to do with the soulmate business. But is it easier for me to be with Nina and feel like I’m missing out, or wait for the odds that I actually have a soulmate and it just be too fucking hard to even get it right?” He looked down as his fingers toyed with the metal utensils on the table. When he looked back up at me, his eyes were misty. “I’ve never been that lucky a guy, Dex.”
I sipped my beer and looked out the window as I thought about what to say. Finally, I settled with, “Being with or being without. Which is worse?”
Ralph nodded as he listened.
“I’ll tell you this: I feel more at peace struggling with Noa than being content on my own or with anyone else. I would take our tumultuous relationship, five minutes with her, rather than a whole life of contentment. I know there are people who would think that sounds insane, and you’re included in that grouping. There are people who will look at my life, my financial stability, the work I do, and tell me that is enough. And for some, it is. I applaud them. But that isn’t my story. I’m not meant to just have gone to school, go to work, and be a successful, educated man. Those are perks. My story—myreason—is Noa.”
“Even though you guys aren’t together?”
I nodded. “Even still.”
“Even if she’s seeing someone else?”
I stilled. My blood turned cold. “Even still.” I wanted to sound certain but even to my ears, I heard the angry fear.
It was then that I noticed Ralph’s eyes were looking past me. I turned and just before I saw her, the hair on the back of my neck prickled, the way it always did when she was around.
But, at the sight of a man leading her to a table with his hand on the small of her back and then pulling out a chair for her, the room got hot. Or maybe my face did. When, after a few minutes, the waiter came back with a bottle of wine and Noa politely refused, her cheeks pinking with that unnecessary embarrassment, I stood.
She looked right at me. I hadn’t expected her stare, but I couldn’t pretend I hadn’t seen her. She excused herself and made her way to me. I met her halfway, just beside the hostess’s podium.
“Hello, Dexter.” So formal, so polite. So unlike her.
“Hey, Bl—Noa.” She winced at my correction and I instantly wanted to start over, wanting to go back to the moment I noticed her and grab her, throw her over my shoulder, and make her listen to me—but that wasn’t my style anymore. That would never work for Noa now that she was convinced being apart was best for Dylan.
I was the stone, unmoved, steady for her. But she was the water that shaped me. And try as we might, we could never quite capture water with our bare hands. Certainly not if we tried to squeeze it in our fists.
She leaned a little to see behind me and offered Ralph a small wave. I envied the smile he got when all I was given was an awkward approach.
“Where’s Dylan?” I asked, wishing we weren’t experiencing this strange moment. I didn’t ask because I was concerned for him. But he was a neutral topic for us. A safe zone.
“He’s with Miranda. He’s feeling better and she loves him so much.” She smiled and just as her nerves started to settle, she looked back at her table. “Um…I should probably get back to—”
“Your date?” There. I said it. There was no denying it, not after she confirmed it with a short nod.
“This doesn’t make you uncomfortable, does it? I mean, if it bothers you, we can leave….” She gestured back to her table, and I bit the inside of my cheek.
We.
Them, they, those people.
I was no longer part of her team.
“Don’t be silly,” I said. “Stay. Eat. No big deal.”
She smiled and turned. Halfway to her table, she looked back at me. Those soulful eyes. I could see her. I would always see her.
In a way that no other man ever would.
“No big deal,” I whispered. “Just watching my soulmate walk away.”
Dexter
What the hellam I doing here?
