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That my memories were starting to return was heaven and hell to me. I wanted to remember for so long, but now that I did, I hated what I was being faced with—lies, from the two people I’d depended on most.
“That wasn’t what I was trying to do,” Tracey wailed. “We all loved Greg. You three were inseparable. But it wasn’t fair to chain that guilt on you when it wasn’t your fault.” She wiped her falling tears with the heel of her palm and watched me.
I paced the room, trying to get rid of my anger. “It was my fault. It was both our faults. But what you two did was terrible. Ralph, you knew. You knew both of us better than anyone. What—”
“She’s right. But we thought that, when you woke up, you’d be too traumatized to live your life. And when you had amnesia, we figured it would be best if you didn’t know. So, we removed all things Greg because, the way we saw it, if you saw him, it could trigger something in you. Give you your memories back.” Ralph’s eyes glistened with unshed tears. “It was hard, giving up the memories we shared together. But I’d do it all again if it meant you didn’t feel massive fucking guilt over the accident.”
I thought back to the pictures at the lake house.
“So you deliberately withheld things—hidthings—in the hopes that I would never remember!” I shouted at Tracey. I shoved my hands in my hair and bent at the waist, trying not to freak out. I was fighting for DexterandGreg, and it was too confusing. When I straightened, I looked up at Tracey. “And the pictures at the lake house? You hid those, too?”
Tracey nodded and came closer to me. “I love you, Dex, so much. I couldn’t love you more if I gave birth to you myself. We only wanted to protect you.”
“You protected me at what cost, Aunt Tracey?” I yelled. I walked out, slamming the door. A few seconds later, I walked back in and asked, “Did Noa know?”
Ralph shook his head. “She only knew you had amnesia. She knew Greg but not that we—no one spoke to her about this.”
“Great,” I said, holding out my arms. “The only honest person and I broke her fucking heart.” I stormed out of the house again.
* * *
I satat the park I brought Noa to before. I couldn’t bring myself to sit on the swing set. Panic filled my throat like bile. She was fading from my memories. It hadn’t even been a month and I was forgetting the intimate details—the ones that belonged to me and her alone.
“Isn’t that what we tried to avoid, young man?” a voice came from behind me, startling me. An old man walked up, sitting beside me on the bench. “I expected more from you, you know.” He shifted so he was facing me, and the lines from age and laughter on his face did nothing to soothe the fear running through me.
“Are you here to take me back?” I asked. My quiet dreams hadn’t soothed my worry. I knew he’d come around sooner or later. We had a deal, after all.
He laughed, shaking his head. “Heavens, no. I should, but I’m trusting that you haven’t given up on our Noa.” He sat back. “More than that, I’m hoping she hasn’t given up on you. Because, Dexter, what do you think is in store for you if she has? You think you can live a semblance of a full life without her? You are better off letting me take you if you think that.”
“It just got so hard.” I ran my hands over my face, stressed out.
“But youloveher. You came back for her. You had me convinced you could grow through love and share that magic with the world. I witness heartbreak every day. I’ve witnessed more hardship than you could even imagine.” He placed one leg over the other and, for some reason, I noticed his wool socks—blue.
I glanced up at him as he spoke again. “But I wanted more for you. I wanted love and I gave you araresecond chance. Your life, without her? You will be an aimless man. Forever searching and never finding.”
Somehow, I was staring at an older me, sitting in a restaurant alone. I felt the loneliness radiating toward me, and I knew it wasn’t what I wanted.
I wanted Noa next to me. I needed her.
“She’ll never speak to me again. I took all her faith in me and I destroyed it. There is no fixing it.”
“You think life should be so easy. She’s one of the rare ones who understood that it takes work. Win her again, Dexter. You found her—twice. And in every life before this one. Find her again.”
I sat back up and looked at the end of the empty bench.
He was gone.
I pulled out my keys and unlocked my car, getting in and heading to the only place I knew to look for what I was missing.
The front door was open when I got there, and I climbed the steps, knocking on apartment number six. When Tim opened the door a crack to see who it was, I pushed past him and he stumbled back.
“Where is she?” I opened her bedroom door, noticing how bare it looked. The usual things were there but gone were her easel and brushes. Her paintings remained but when I looked closer, almost all her clothes were missing. I whirled around, grabbing Tim by his collar. “Whereisshe?”
“Get your hands off me, Dex. She’s gone. Left while you were off living life.”
“Don’t act like you’re not part of the problem,” I sneered, prepared to remind him of the times he made her feel unloved and unwanted.
“But she was fine! She was coping and she was sober. Then you came around and you became her trigger. You made her want, and then you fucking let her down!” He pushed me and I fell into her doorframe.
