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To have given someone every piece of yourself, to have promised them the world, to have offered everything they could’ve ever wanted…and to watch them nearly die…
I loved Noa. And all through my love for her, I forgot to make sure I was okay.
I wasn’t.
I was angry and disappointed, and I could not be moved to see her. Her demons were stronger than I could ever be. They made her forget love, forget the stars, and forget me. I couldn’t be there when her demons won.
Because whatever killed Noa would kill me. We were tethered that way, regardless of distance. And now, I had to stand clear of the impending blast. Despite the hold we had on each other, my self-preservation was kicking in.
Tracey finally knocked on my door and begged me to go to the hospital, telling me Noa was distraught and uncooperative with the hospital staff, insisting that they were keeping us apart. I was afraid to see her. I was frightened of the idea of living without her. But I was more afraid of my feelings.
The anger festered during those forty-eight hours. I couldn’t keep it from Noa anymore.
We pulled up outside the hospital with our bags in the car, packed and ready to go. Tim packed his things as well as Noa’s and stayed at the hospital with her.
Tracey, Ralph, and I were driving back into town that day. I’d already missed two days of school and while finals had already been processed, I knew I at least had to show my face to graduate.
“Are you sure about this, Dex? Once you do this, it can’t be undone,” Tracey told me with a frown, her hands in fists on her lap.
It was insane that this woman who’d held me as I lost my shit over this girl would still encourage me to stay with her. But that was the way it was with Noa—you tended to love her beyond reason.
“There are too many things that can’t be undone.” I unbuckled my seatbelt and got out of the car. Tracey had told me Noa’s room number earlier, so I headed there as fast as I could, reading the direction signs and scanning the numbers on the doors.
I stopped short outside her door.
Bumping into Noa had been a gift. And even in that moment, I felt the same odd sensation of being filled with love from lives before. Memories of what shecouldbe like. But having experienced this version of Noa, it wouldn’t happen that way.
I almost turned back the way I came. It felt like I was giving every kiss, every touch, back to the Angel of Death. I was returning his gift, and I didn’t know how to handle it. I didn’t know what the future would hold for me.
Was this it?
No.
I had to do this. Because if I stood with Noa, she’d think what she’d done was fine. She’d think the way she continued to poison herself was fine.
I walked into her hospital room with purpose. Her hair blanketed the pillow, and I itched to run my fingers through it like I always did. Her skin was pale, and she looked fragile.
She opened her eyes like she knew I was there. Eyes that didn’t blink, like she was afraid to miss a single moment. When she did blink, it snapped me out of my hypnotized state—and I remembered why I was there.
Her smile was faint, and she reached out her arm to me, telling me to come to her.
I stood where I was, and her smile faded. “Noa.” I cleared my throat. I was going to break her heart. But I was going to break mine, too. I hoped she would know that.
“You’re leaving,” she whispered. Her eyes bore into mine, facing the collision head on.
I looked away. For all the love I had for her, she couldn’t love herself the way she needed to. Maybe if I left, she’d have a better chance at survival. Because with me, it didn’t look like it. If anything, I should’ve listened to her and left her alone. I wasn’t good for her.
I nodded, afraid to speak.
When I looked at her again, her eyes were cold. And she turned away from me, looking at the ceiling.
“Don’t hate me. Noa, you—you’re amazing. But I can’t love you enough for the both of us. You’re too self-destructive.” I let my anger take the lead, my words coming out harder, louder. “You almostdied. How could you? How would I have been able to live with myself with your death on my conscience?”
She lay there silently, taking in the words I was giving her, giving nothing in return.
“Fine. I’m talking to a wall.” I paused. “I love you, I’ll never stop. And I’ll never forget you.”
I looked at her again, watching silent tears run down her face. Other than that, she remained stoic.
