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“Oh, thank God,” Tracey said as she helped me pull her up the ladder. She laid her gently on the wooden planks and listened for breathing. When she didn’t feel anything, she tilted her head back and performed CPR. Breath after breath, Noa wasn’t coming back. Blood was seeping slowly onto the dock from the back of her head.
“Bring her back, Aunt Tracey.” I grinded my teeth, wanting to scream.
It was my fault. I turned away from her. I should’ve stayed up and helped her. Talked to her. Made her feel loved and secure.
I heard the sirens in the distance, and I felt that pinprick of remembrance. That sound meant death. My own and now…no. I couldn’t lose her.
When the men jumped out of the truck and surrounded Noa, I watched, standing as closely as I could.
“She isn’t breathing. She isn’t breathing,” I repeated when they asked me what happened.
“She was drinking and came out to the dock. She hit her head pretty hard and fell into the water,” Tracey told them.
I nodded, confirming.
“She’s got a pulse. It’s faint but it’s there. We have to get her out of here,” one of the paramedics said. “Any family members here?”
Tim stepped forward.
“You should probably come with us.”
Tim nodded, and I watched as they took her away from me. There was nothing I could do. She’d almost died before and was pardoned. There was a good chance she wouldn’t be dealt with so graciously this time.
“Get dressed, guys. We’ll follow them up there,” Tracey said.
I stepped back and put my hands up. I wasn’t going anywhere. Anger hit me with brute force, and my anger with Noa took hold.
I ran into the house and grabbed one of the bottles, my hands shaking as I unscrewed the top. I looked at the bottle in my hand with disgust. I tipped it back and took a deep pull, downing the burning amber liquid. After a few hated gulps, I threw the bottle on the ground, picking up another and smashing that one, too, nearly hitting Ralph. Bottles and bottles until the kitchen floor was glittering with glass, liquor splashing against the expensive tile.
What is it? What is it about this shit that makes her come back for more?
I had to know. I had to experience the numbness for myself. At the very least, if I understood, losing her wouldn’t be such an unfathomable idea. Certainly not when I was losing her to the liquid that was causing me to feel detached.
“I give her everything, and shestillpicks this over me. Why?” I asked, throwing one more bottle. I felt the fire inside, from the liquor, and it lit my fury.
“Calm down, Dex. You don’t know what she was thinking.” He tried his best to avoid the glass on the ground as he came closer.
“She wasn’t thinking about me. She—I’m always thinking of her! I can’t do it anymore, Ralph. I can’t be with this beautiful person who damages everything without a single thought. I can’t always pick up the pieces. I can’t be the only one who cares!” I took a step forward and slipped. Ralph reached for me as I cried out, “He didn’t tell me it would be this hard. We never even had a chance…”
Blood from my feet smeared across the floor and my hands stung as they tried to keep me from falling on my face.
Little pieces of this wreckage pricked my skin.
Tracey ran in and pulled me away from the mess and into her arms.
I felt stupid, but I cried against her. Because no matter how good I was to Noa, no matter what promises I made and kept or how dedicated I was, she was never going to love herself as much as I loved her.
And if Noa died, coming back would have been for nothing.
I’d face that lonely fate, at the hands of the one who was supposed to love me back.
Dexter
After twenty-four hours passed,Noa regained consciousness. She asked for me as soon as she was able to form sentences.
For forty-eight hours, I remained in the bedroom at the lake house that belonged to Dexter Andrews pre-accident. I didn’t know that I was searching for answers or what I would figure out after locking everyone out.
But I did just that. I ignored everyone in that house because I knew they would try to reason with me. I wanted to feel what I was feeling and I didn’t want to see reason or wonder how she felt.
