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I was numb to it now — the crying. It didn’t draw out my own tears or make my throat close like it used to. I watched Olivia cry and all I could think about was how this entire thing was my fault.
Perhaps if I hadn’t killed Jesse Galigher, his mystery employers would have never retaliated and taken Cole.
Perhaps I went too far.
Perhaps I didn’t go far enough.
Running my thumb along the handle of Bennett’s straight razor, I felt something at last. A little rush. The tingle of something forbidden and unnatural. An answer. A solution.
Pocketing the razor, I left the bathroom and made my way to the garden patio. The sun was setting, casting pink and orange light over the purple sky. It wasn’t the same view I’d known my whole life, living atop the bluff in my very own, multi-million dollar prison, but the view from the Victorian cottage was beautiful all the same.
Annabel raced me to the table and chairs, leaping into her preferred seat and meowing loudly at me.
I stroked her head lightly as I dropped into the other chair, the weight of all my guilt wrapped around me like heavy chains. Glancing back at the house, I imagined Bennett inside, trying to console Olivia for the hundredth time.
Even if he tried to hide it, it went without saying my husband didn’t like Annabel. They fought over me in a way no one ever had before. Bennett chased her out of my lap when he wanted attention and she wedged herself between us on the couch or in bed, glaring at him and twitching her tail. It would have been comical any other time in my life, but now it left me saddened.
Thankfully Olivia didn’t share Bennett’s feelings toward Annabel. Olivia would take care of her, especially since Elijah took custody of the old yellow lab Cole insisted on adopting once its owner was bludgeoned, dismembered, and scattered to the four winds. I wouldn’t have to ask her to step up to the responsibility — she just would.
Slipping the razor out of my pocket, I unfolded it slowly, drawing out the rush of adrenaline. My fingers trembled as I held it lengthwise, studying the grooves in the wooden handle. The blade caught the dying light, flashing orange while it could, before it was coated in crimson.
The decision before me was simple. So simple I couldn’t even recall when I arrived at the conclusion. At any rate, my mind was set.
Bennett was taken because of me.
Bennett was hurt because of me.
Cole was taken because of me.
Cole was dead because of me.
And Cole would be the last to die because of me.
If I sent a message once before through Jesse Galigher’s murder, then my self-murder would send an even bigger message.
I closed my eyes and laid the razor against my wrist, surprised and comforted by the cold steel all at once. At the very least, it was a familiar feeling. After not feeling anything for so long — not hunger, or exhaustion, or grief — I latched on to the feeling, the last shred of my humanity.
“What the fuck are you doing?!”
My eyes flew open. I nearly jumped out of my skin at the sound of Elijah’s voice.
Before I could register that it was really him, he was across the yard and in my face, hauling me out of the chair by the front of my shirt.
“Are you fucking kidding me right now?!” He wrenched the straight razor out of my hand and flung it into the darkness.
“Elijah, I—”
He shoved me in the chest, his face contorted with rage. “We just lost Cole and you thinkthisis the fucking answer?!” Instead of keeping his distance, he reeled me in again, his hands twisted in my shirt, and came nose-to-nose with me. “You think I want to bury you too? Did you stop to think at all, you selfish son of a bitch?”
A surge of anger replaced any guilt I had in a flash. I pushed him away from me before he could try to reclaim his hold. “Don’t start with me, Elijah! You don’t know what you’re talking about!”
“The fuck I don’t! How many times have I bandaged you up? How many times did I have to nurse you back to health, whether that sick bitch poisoned you or you just fucking refused to eat? And now whenIneedyou, you’re trying to fucking leave me too?!”
“If I’m gone, these people have no reason to come after any of you,everagain.” I threw my hands out wide. “Selfish son of a bitch that I am, I’m trying to keep the only fucking family I have safe from the dangerIput you all in!”
“Yeah? Did you leave us letters, like last time? Or do I have to go in there and tell yourhusbandthat he wasn’t worth sticking around for? Hmm? You want me to break Olivia’s heart all over again and tell her you’re bleeding to death on the fucking patio, but it’s ok because you did it for her?”
Even if I’d wanted to reply, Elijah kept going. “You know how you keep us all safe? Find these assholes and fucking destroy them. Between you and Bennett, you can find a way to get to anyone. So do it! Not this self-sacrificing bullshit!”
