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My mother is the opposite. She has a bright shining joy inside of her that can never be extinguished. Because of that, she’s been the North Star for my dad—always guiding him back out of the darkness when it threatens to swallow him whole.
I’m beginning to realize that Leo used to fill that function for me. I didn’t know how dependent I was on him, because I saw him so frequently. I didn’t realize it was his cheerfulness, his irrepressible charm that was buoying me up day by day.
Now that’s gone, and my thoughts are taking dark turns, my dreams are becoming more violent and disturbing, and the things that usually make me happy aren’t having quite the same effect anymore.
Even dancing is losing its shine.
That’s the one thing I thought would never let me down. The one escape I could always turn to.
But this morning when I woke early and went to the cathedral and laced up my shoes, I felt heavy and dull. My movements were labored and lacking in grace. The music didn’t vibrate through my body the way it’s supposed to. The choreography didn’t flow through my brain like a river. In fact, I kept stumbling, unsure of what to do next.
I feel lost, and so alone.
I’m walking to the most distant corner of campus where the old icehouse sits. It’s a squat, stone hut, unused and far away from anything else.
That’s why it’s become the favored spot for students who want “alone time” with each other.
I know what it means that Dean ordered me to meet him here.
And it was an order. I could see that if I refused, we were about to have a serious fight. I didn’t have the energy for that. I was already tired to my bones.
The door is unlocked.
I pull it open with a groan of un-oiled hinges.
Dean is waiting for me, as I knew he would be. He’s got a blanket, drinks, and snacks spread out on an old mattress, as well as several candles burning. Not all the buildings in Kingmakers have electric lights, especially those that aren’t supposed to be accessed at night.
He’s even got music playing, a remix of “Crazy in Love” I’ve never heard before. Not as cheerful as the original, it has a mournful and almost menacing sound that sends chills down my body.
The tiny blonde hairs on my arms stand up, and I can feel my nipples stiffening, not from arousal, but from something much more uneasy.
Dean’s eyes sweep down the front of my blouse. He mistakes my reaction. His eyes gleam, and his tongue darts out to moistenhis lips. He’s galvanized, the tendons standing out on his bare forearms where his shirtsleeves are rolled up to the elbow.
Without speaking a word, he closes the space between us in one swift stride. He reaches around me, yanking the door shut, and then pulls me hard against his body.
Already I’m panicking, my heart stuttering in my chest, my whole body shaking. My hands are clammy cold, and I feel the sick sinking sensation I always had to endure in our scuba classes, when I would drop down, down, down to the bottom of the pool, the shimmering surface of the water fading away overhead, impossibly far out of reach.
I don’t know what I’m doing.
I don’t have my North Star anymore.
Dean seizes my face between both of his hands. He holds me there, forcing me to look directly into his eyes. There’s a kind of madness shining there. I feel like I’m falling into it, losing all control.
He kisses me ferociously. He’s biting my lips, sucking the breath from my lungs. I stand there, letting it happen to me.
He rips open my blouse, the buttons pinging off the stone floor and rolling away in all directions. Then he grabs my bra and tears it open too, my breasts bouncing out in the chilly air.
I make a sound something between a gasp and a sob.
Dean pushes me down on the mattress, the abrupt movement snuffing one of the candles, so the room is almost dark, lit by only one faint, guttering flame.
He’s kissing and grinding against me, pinning me down so my body sinks into the mattress like it’s quicksand, so I can barely breathe, let alone move.
I can feel his cock, harder than iron, battering against my thigh with only his trousers between us, because my skirt has already bunched up around my waist.
He’s not going to stop tonight, I know that already.
I know he’s barely been holding himself back all along.
