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I pull open the front door that has Mustang Creek Ranch in the middle of it. I named it this as soon as I got the papers for the barn, putting my own stamp on it. I walk around the reception desk in front of five chairs in the waiting room.
Ten years ago, I moved to Montgavin to expand the Barnes therapy farm. Something my father started when he was twenty with two horses. Initially, it started with soldiers who would come home with PTSD symptoms. They would come by every day and do a couple of hours with the horses. Then he expanded it to women who came from abusive homes to kids who suffered anxiety and also special needs. It’s a different approach to healing. He now has barns all over the South. I came to town to do the startup and then met Jennifer and decided I would take over this branch. Now we have twenty-five horses that are working with people. Fifty people work the farm, along with twenty therapists working one-on-one with all our clients.
I had the best of both worlds: the woman I was in love with and the new branch that was starting to grow at a fast pace. Then in a matter of seconds, it was over, and I was a changed man. I think I spent every day for six months drunk. From the time I opened my eyes until I closed them, I was drunk and in a fog. I would attempt to come to work, but I would end up passing out in my office with the bottle of whiskey in the middle of my desk. I hated every single second that I wasn’t drunk because it was the only time I didn’t see her. I didn’t feel her beside me. I didn’t hear her tell me she loved me or call my name.
The more drunk I got, the closer I felt to her until my parents intervened. Not just my parents, but my father, my great-grandfather, grandfather, all of my uncles, and most of my cousins. They picked me up off my floor while I was passed out, and I woke up in my childhood home, pissed at the world. I said things I could never take back. Hurt the people who loved me most in the world. Ravaged my father to the core and kept kicking him while he was down. It was my grandfather and my cousins, Ethan and Gabriel, who literally took me by the scruff of the neck and pulled me out of my house. They tossed me into a cold fucking shower and watched me go cold turkey.
They sat there while I raged on. While I blamed the whole fucking world for my grief. I would see the sorrow and pity in all their eyes, and watching my parents cry tears for their son, who was still alive, bothered me. I didn’t want them to shed a tear for me. Especially since they watched me cry more tears than I thought a body could create before I accepted the help. I listened to the doctors and more therapists than I can count on one hand. It was a waste of everyone’s time because the anger and rage I held inside me fed my blood. I would pretend I was fine, and then when I was alone, I would hate the whole fucking world. I would drink after hours when no one would see. I became the man I am today. A man I’m not proud of. A man I think I hated. A man who was lost and never was going to be found.
I walk down the hallway to my office and toss the bag on the desk before walking to the kitchen and grabbing a bottle of water and going back to my office.
Pulling out the black chair to sit, I open the bag and pull out the burger with a folded note on top of it. I put the wrapped burger on top of the desk while I open the note.
It’s been a while. Why don’t you stop by tonight?
Isabel
I fold the note back up and toss it in the garbage can beside my desk before unwrapping the burger and taking a bite. Another thing I started doing was having a revolving door of women. The first time I slept with someone else, I came home and threw up, then I went to Jennifer’s grave and lay with her. My head on her cold tombstone, I asked her to forgive me. A string of one-night stands. A string of nameless women. A string of faceless women. Without fail, as soon as I would sink my cock into them, all I saw was her. It might have been the booze. Whatever it was, I didn’t care. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday I would go and sit with her and then go out, get drunk, and fuck some random. Over the years, there were a couple who I would go back to, but other than fucking them, I wanted not one thing from them. And it wasn’t a surprise to anyone. Everyone who knew me knew my story, knew my heart belonged to one woman and one woman only. I would never give my heart away to someone else, it wasn’t even mine to give anymore.
I take another bite of the burger before taking the fries and rings out of the bag and tap the mouse to start the computer. I’m opening the emails I have to go through when I hear the sound of boots coming into the office.
I look up and see Emmett walking down the hall toward my office. He’s wearing jeans and a long-sleeved shirt pushed up to the elbows. A hat that has seen better days sits on his head backward. The dust and sand from the barn is on his face. “Hey,” he greets, watching me as he walks into the office, “I was looking for you.”
“Not too hard,” I say, “since you found me.”
“Funny,” he fires back, not laughing. Emmett started with me at the beginning of this. I hired him to be in charge of everything, not thinking that I would make this place my home, but then I ended up staying so the two of us could work side by side. He’s been my right-hand man for the last ten years and one of the closest friends I’ve ever had. He tells me when I’m being a dick, which is more often than I care to admit. He’s seen me at my best, and he’s definitely seen me at my worst.
“What’s up?” I ask, taking a bite of my burger.
“I heard.” He just looks at me, and my eyebrows pinch together.
“I’m sorry, you are going to have to give me a bit more than that.” I laugh. “Is this like a code word or something?”
“I was in town this morning,” he states, and again, I just stare at him. “Jesus, you’re going to make me say it, aren’t you?”
“I’m going to have no choice but to have you say it since, for the life of me, I have no idea what the fuck you are trying to say.” I pick the burger back up.
“Autumn,” he says her name, and I drop the burger onto the wrapper. My blood goes ice cold. “Someone saw her in town this morning, grabbing donuts.” I chew the food in my mouth, the taste is suddenly sour as I grab the bottle of water to wash it down before I throw it up. “I see you haven’t heard.”
“Didn’t need to hear,” I finally say, leaning back in my chair. “Saw her last night.”
His eyes about come out of his sockets. “Excuse me?”
“Ran into her last night at the crash site,” I explain, and he hisses. “Welcomed her back with open arms.”
“I bet you did,” he sneers. “I heard about the last time you met, so I could just imagine.” I shrug, and all he does is shake his head.
I watch him walk out of the room, and I think about the last time we met. I was walking through the forest, stumbling mostly. My goal was to go to the crash site, but instead, I ended up at her house. The darkness of the house loomed as I walked up the steps and pounded on her door.
The minute she opened her door and stepped outside, I roared in her face, “You fucking knew he was drunk!” The shock and horror on her face should have stopped me, but nothing could stop me. I saw red. “You did this.” My face went into hers so she could see the damage she caused. “You could have stopped him!”
“I tried,” she finally said, her voice cracking. “I tried to get him to give me the keys.”
“You didn’t try hard enough.” She winced when I said that as if I hit her. “It should be you in that grave, rotting in hell with him.” I turned and stumbled back into the forest. Looking over my shoulder for a second, I watched her fall to her knees.
She left town after that, and now she was back. For what? I have no idea, but I know one thing. I never want to fucking see her face again.
Walking out of the house after dinner, just as the sun is going down, I look around, seeing that no one is left working in the barn. My horse is outside waiting for me as I get on him for my after-dinner ride.Pushing him to go faster and faster as we go down the trail, which I can probably do with my eyes closed. I’m a sweaty mess when I finally get him back into the barn and get him water before walking out into the black night.
