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“Your life got turned upside down when you found out you were pregnant. You suddenly lost all your free time, and full nights of sleep, and the ability to go and do whatever you want.”
I fall back onto my loveseat with a groan.
“You’re not saying anything I don’t know, butmom, I’m really happy. I don’t regret having her. I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything.”
“But you are,” she says bluntly.
I scoff.
“I’m not! We split custody, remember? Which means that three nights a week, I get to live it up. I see my friends, I binge watch all the inappropriate TV shows I want. I take bubble baths, and get the house cleaned. And I amsoexcited to see her when it's my turn again.”
“You also work most of the time.”
“I don’t think you understand how easy my job is.”
“Reya Renee, you’re being stubborn and missing my point.”
I look up at her with all the teenage, angsty attitude I can muster. I kind of hope she’s transported back to a time where she didn’t have her own house to run off to.
She gives me a pointed finger, transportingmeback to a time when she didn’t have her own house to run off to. It’s really unfair.
“Everyone needs a break. Everyone. You think you don’t because you’ve been in survival mode. You’ve accepted what you got, and honestly I’m so proud of you for it, honey. You’re the strongest girl I know.” She drops her hand to hold mine, in that consoling way of hers. “But you deserve to have some time to yourself, time where you don’t have to be on alert. And I know that alertness doesn’t go away when she’s with her dad, but what bad thing has ever happened to her in his care?”
I don’t have an answer and she knows it.
“That doesn’t mean I want to wait around for the day something bad does happen!”
She shakes her head at me, looking as disappointed as only mothers can manage.
“You’ll always be waiting. No matter how much that man changes, even if he becomes the most capable father on the planet. Things happen. Accidents happen. She hurt herself the other day, didn’t she? Hit her head on her little play table?”
I nod, hating that she has a point.
“And it wasn’t your fault, was it?”
I shake my head.
“Okay, I get it,” I say before she can continue. “But what if an accident happens, his fault or not, and she’s all the way over there? And I’m here, and devastated, and dying to see her?”
“Then I’ll buy your plane ticket.” She reaches a hand out for me to shake, but I’m not done thinking this through.
“If I agree, she won’t be here for her birthday.” My voice cracks on the last word, making her pout.
“Do you honestly believe she cares if you throw her a party on the exact date? She’ll be just as thrilled to do it a couple weeks early or a couple weeks late.”
“I won’t be!”
I know how childish the three whined words sound. I can’t help myself.
“You’ll get over it. There are worse things to miss, and worse reasons to miss them.”
With that, she stands, flattening out any creases it caused her linen pants.
“Mom,” I whine again.
“You’ll get over it,” she repeats. “It’s an awesome opportunity for all of you.Every.Single. One of you. If this goes smoothly, your trust will build in him. I know how badly he has let you down, but it isn’t fair to assume he’s always going to. It doesn’t mean his girlfriend will either, she seems like a good woman who’s already helped him immensely. You’d know that if you could talk to them without letting your anger interfere.”
I hate the way her little speech gets under my skin and makes me feel guilty. She’s right, like usual. It’s annoying. I didn’t wake up this morning thinking I’d start questioning everything about myself this deeply.
