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I move to do it again, burying my hands in the water, but she grabs my wrists to stop me. We’re chest to chest, both uncomfortably cold in a way our closeness is no match against.
But I love it.
We’re a giggling mess as she holds onto me tightly, moving her grasp down to my hands. I feel more alive than ever as the wind rushes past us, rocky sand pokes at our feet, and salt water sticks our palms together.
We crash down onto the bed in our hotel room. My legs are sore and overworked, my skin is sunburnt. The warm, windy day sucked out every ounce of my energy, and now there’s nothing that could get me off of this bed any time soon.
“What a day,” I sigh contentedly.
“Let’s just stay here and never deal with anyone else again,” Kara says.
I look over to see her laying on her side with her eyes shut, and strands of her wind-knotted hair falling across her cheek.
“I could get behind that, but… I do have some other people I’d kind of miss.”
“Can’t relate,” she replies softly.
I reach out to tuck those strands behind her ear, but I don’t pull it away. Instead I let myself hold her face, and feel her warm cheek against my palm.
“Do you really hate everyone? Or is it just easier to pretend you do?”She freezes, probably feeling a little taken aback. If she doesn’t want to go there after our peaceful day, she doesn’t have to. I won’t pry.
But now that I know my chances of getting answers to my questions are much higher, I’m not going to stop myself from asking them.
“It’s not that I hate everyone,” she admits. “I mean, mostly. I just don’t think there’s much of a chance that they won’t let me down. Thattheywon’t hateme.”
“So you don’t want to let anyone figure out how they feel about you?” I ask. “You probably don’t need me to tell you, but you’re a blast to be around. If you let people see more of what I see, they wouldn’t.”
“They did. Why do you think I’m like this?”
“Yeah, but kids are ruthless. No one in high school cares about anyone more than themselves, it’s not a good reason to–”
Hey eyes fly open as she interrupts me.
“It’s not only the kids back in high school. Everyone has always wanted me to change, but that’s always beentheirproblem. My whole life I’ve heard people try to tell me why I’m like this, whether they blame it on my depression or assume I have some other mental setback. I’ve always known they were wrong. I feel fine, I’m just content with less than other people think I should be content with.”
“I can understand that.”
She sighs.
“But can you? Because I’m not going to change. I don’t want to change anything about myself to make anyone else’s life simpler. It’s why no relationship has ever worked out for me. It’s why my marriage was such a disaster.”
“So Miles wanted you to be someone you aren’t?”
“Not necessarily. We were young and stupid when we first started dating, and I didn’t even know who I was. We learned that much together, and I still get so angry sometimes that it took that many years of learning for us to figure out we weren’t compatible,” she says.
“Was that it, you weren’t compatible? Or could he just not accept the person you were?” I ask.
“I think you’re assuming that he was in the wrong, andshould’veaccepted things, but that’s not true. If I knew enough to give him a disclaimer at the start of it all, he would’ve known it wasn’t going to work out between us. We would’ve broken up before we got married, and before I got comfortable enough to let the facade slip. If anything it’s all my fault for not having that disclaimer ready.”
I shake my head as I sit up. This can’t be said lying down. She must agree, because she moves to sit up against the headboard.
“It’s not your fault. You said it yourself, you were young. You didn’t know any better.” She doesn’t have a response to that so I continue. “Did you have any relationships before him?”
“I mean… kind of. Nothing serious, just a couple of random high school boyfriends. Don’t think either of them tolerated me more than a couple of months.”
“They both dumped you?”
“Everyone’s dumped me. I’ve never been the dumper, despite what my cold, hard exterior might lead you to believe.”
