AllFreeNovel
Share Us
I watch as the shock of keeping something from him surely turns into a look of suspicion. I am so fucked.
“It must be bad, huh? What if I guess? Is she related to Kara?”
I shake my head and laugh at him.
“Are you worried about what I’ll think? Or is this girl trying to keep you a secret?”
Yes, I’m fucking terrified of what you’ll think.
“We both have our reasons for not wanting anyone to know.”
God, I miss her so much. I want to hear her voice.
I stand to grab myself a glass of water. I know I should try to sober up before I end up leaving her another, messier voicemail. They’re already stacking up. It’s been a miserable few days.
“She’s not talking to me right now. I kind of messed up,” I confess. “So if I never hear from her again, I’ll tell you everything.”
He frowns. “Fuck that, you have to fix it. You clearly have feelings for her.”
I choke on the water I just tried to drink and it spews everywhere. Justin is slapping my back before I even notice he got up from his seat.
He probably thinks I’m shocked by the idea of having feelings for her, when in reality I’m shocked by the fact that he’s the first person to say it out loud.
29
Autumn
Miles stops by my apartment multiple times in the weeks after I block him, once being on Thanksgiving. I hate that I'm responsible for interrupting time with his family.
I only know it’s him because of his pleading voice on the other side of the door. It breaks my heart to ignore it, makes me feel shattered to my core. I’ve had to escape to my bedroom, and cover my ears with a pillow to shut him out. It's always soaked in tears when I finally pull it away.
In a perfect world, I’d open the door and grab him and never let him go. But it’s not, and we're never going to get past the reality of our situation. There’s another mother to add to the list of them that think of me as something they need to be rid of. I thought things with Amelia were bad back then, but I truly had no idea.
The pain of giving in to my feelings for Miles would probably equal the broken way I feel right now, if not be worse. It was nice to think I’d made all the progress I need, and become a strongergirl than the one my parents tossed aside, but I haven't. I’ve just avoided anyone I could disappoint for a long time.
The one good thing to come from all of this new free time and moping around is the writing I’ve gotten done. It’s nice to escape into another world, be another person with every tap of my fingers against the keys. I’m grateful for my ability to immerse myself in my writing, even if it's short lived.
Sometimes it’s not that simple. Sometimes my chest aches worse than I can convey in a fictional conflict. It feels as though I’m being harsh, wanting bad things to happen to the people I made up in my imagination. I know a lot of authors get a kick out of that, but my reasoning is much less complicated. It’s a small way of feeling less alone in this hurt.
Kaitlyn has texted a few times to check in, or to ask if I’ve seen any of her posts. She made accounts for me on platforms I didn’t have the courage to try, and I’m amazed at how much fun she has with it. We all have our hobbies, and hers happens to be really helpful.
The honest answer is that I haven’t seen any of it, but not intentionally. Every time I open an app, I amoverwhelmedby notifications. Likes, and comments, and tags. Hundreds of them, maybe even thousands. I’ll read a couple of reviews that make me cry relieved tears and then I close the app before I can go any further. I don’t need to see her posts, the result is glaringly obvious.
Kaitlyn is the best thing that came from working in Amelia’s office.
It’s after midnight, hours after Miles last showed up and begged me to talk to him. I haven’t calmed down, even after two mugs of sleepy tea. I’m desperate to shut my mind off. If sleep isn't the way, then I at least need to find a distraction from the reason I’m not sleeping.
I end up on the couch, and throw on the first show that looks interesting. Some rich couple looking to find their dream house with all the bells and whistles. All it does is remind me of the times Miles has sat here next to me doing just this. Watching something that was mindless and easy to talk over. Whatever it was, it was so nice to have him here. His presence brought out a peacefulness in me that I never had before. It's hard not to doubt that I'll ever find it again.
My current train of thought is only going to do further damage, a fact proven by the tears already welling up in my eyes. I turn the television up to a volume that sufficiently blocks out the voice in my head.
When I lay down and rest my head against the furthest cushion, it still smells like him. I feel trapped by my inability to get away from him, but I don’t think I really want to. There’s comfort as much as there’s pain in all of the pieces of him that linger.
“Don't make me break a window! You're going to let us inright now,Autumn!” Reya pounds on my door with the force of a hurricane, and I have no choice but to open it for my friends. They know I'd be too embarrassed to let them go on so loudly and disturb my neighbors.
I’m stunned to see two tiny faces right alongside them, Amira and Dahlia.
“What are you doing?”
