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Her face grows bright red. “I’m sorry that he— I mean, I didn’t want—“ She huffs out a breath.
“You don’t have to apologize or explain anything to me.”
Her eyes move back and forth between mine.
“Okay.”
The line of her jaw is begging to be kissed, so I look away. But I smile, hoping to convince her I’m fine. That I’m not jealous, or frustrated, or hopeless.
I’m not a better man. I’m not strong enough to quit her. As much as I want a magical solution to fall into my lap, I’d still take this any day. The longing, the tension, the torment. If I couldhave anyone else in the world, without any obstacles, I wouldn’t choose them.
Even if it means she has to move on for her own sanity. If she needs to blow off some steam with that douchebag upstairs.
She’ll never be nothing to me. I can’t let that happen.
I’d rather have her as just a friend than remember her as the one that got away. I want to see her life play out up close, not get small glimpses from accidental meetings around town or the occasional picture she posts online.
“I’m not likewithhim,” she adds anyway. “It wasn’t anything serious.”
I nod slowly.
“Good. You can do better.”
“I know,” she whispers.
Her eyes are filled with an emotion that makes me feel more vulnerable and exposed than any words could.
Then to my relief, she suddenly pulls out that smile I love so much. “Want to watch a movie?”
I take the subject change for what it is.
24
Autumn
Nine Years Ago
Ididn’t want my first job to be at a grocery store, but I need a job more than I need to be happy with it. When my parents gave up on me and I moved in with Jade, they promised to pay my rent until I was eighteen. That was our deal. I’m not allowed to get my parents in trouble for abandoning me because they’ll give me money while I try to figure out how to be an adult.
I’m a couple years away from that point, but they didn’t take a lot of other things into account. Like the fact that I have to pay for food and clothes.
Jade and her mom take care of me, they do. Between them and Justin’s family, I never go without and I’m grateful as can be. I just don’t enjoy depending on other people. Probably a side effect of my parents making me feel like I couldn’t even depend on them.
I go straight to Justin’s house after my interview, holding a packet full of paperwork to fill out before my first day. I practically skip through the front door, I’m so excited to breakthe news. This means I can start saving for a car and soon enough I won’t have to ask his brother for rides anymore. In the meantime, it means I can give him some gas money too, and even that makes me feel better.
Both of them are in the kitchen when I arrive and I spend a few minutes catching them up. The woman who had interviewed me was just as awkward as I am, and that’s saying a lot. She made me feel like I’ll fit right in every time she dropped her pen on the ground or hit her knee on her desk. To be fair, it was a cramped space.
I finish by opening up the packet I’m supposed to complete and looking everything over. I’ve never done this before, but it seems pretty self explanatory.
“But… why do you want a job?” Justin asks, as if he didn’t know I was looking for one since the second I turned sixteen. His confusion confuses me.
“I’ve told you.” I then list off all the reasons I can think of.
His stare is blank. “But Miles gives you rides.”
“Yeah, but I feel bad.” I turn to Miles. “Which is why I want to start giving you gas money until I don’t need you to anymore.”
He starts to respond, but Justin goes again. “Why? I don’t give him gas money.”
