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He doesn’t want me in there very often anymore either.
I miss him a lot. It sucks to miss someone right next to you. I just keep hoping that whatever rough patch he’s going through will end soon.
I don’t realize I’m crying until Miles nudges my arm. It’s subtle enough to not pull any attention to me, but I know that’s his way of comforting me, telling me it’ll be okay. He doesn’t know that though, Justin doesn’t treat him or Amelia any better. We’re all equally as worried and frustrated.
I sit there with my head down, pretending to focus on my plate, but I’m not eating it anymore. I’m using Justin’s tactic of pushing it around.
It’s not uncomfortable to be at the table with my boyfriend’s family without him here. I’ve been having dinner here for years. I hang out with his mom as much as I wish I could hang out with my own.
My parents live right down the road, and they don't even call to check in anymore.
I don’t realize when Miles and I are the last one’s left sitting at the table until he nudges my arm again. “You should still come with us.”
“I don’t know.” I search for a reason other than feeling like I was only invited as an extension of him. “I’m worried about him being alone for that long.”
“Maybe it’ll be good for him.” Miles shrugs. “He wants to shut everyone out, and we haven’t really let him. Maybe if we do, he’ll be back to normal by the time the week is up.”
Wouldn’t that be nice.
“I guess I didn’t look at it that way.”
“That’s because you’re a good girlfriend, and I’m a crappy brother.” I crack a smile at that, although it’s so far from the truth. “You know mom won’t let him go a couple hours without calling and checking in.”
I like when he doesn't specify that Amelia ishismom. It’s a small way of making me feel like I am a part of this family, and not just the girlfriend Justin brought around.
Amelia appears, standing by the table next to my chair. “He’s right, I won’t.”
“I really do want to go,” I tell them.
“Then it’s settled,” Miles says with a big smile.
I can’t help but smile right back at him.
Kara doesn’t go with us, but she was invited. She blames it on work, but even Miles doesn’t seem to believe that. They’ve been together for almost a year now and she doesn’t spend a lot of time with his family.
The rest of us have a fun time on the road, being tourists. I see lots of new things, considering this is the first time I’ve left the town I was born in. We stay at a few different hotels, some of the rooms fancier than anywhere I’ve ever stayed. It’s nice to feel included, and I can tell Amelia is going out of her way to do so.
I’m still so aware that I’m the outsider here.
I don’t think I’d feel any different if Justin had come. He doesn’t text me back or answer my phone calls the entire week we’re gone. I can’t help but notice that he answers every time his mom calls. I stay quiet about it because the last thing this trip needs is for me to share the dark cloud hanging over my head.
I think Miles can see it, he’s definitely more intuitive than his brother is. He’s been my favorite part of the entire trip, and I find myself thrilled that we become better friends than we were.
Although, I think a big piece that’s played a role in our bonding is that Kara isn’t answering her phone most of the time either.
He got up one night to answer a call after the lights were off and everyone except myself was fast asleep. Before he stepped into the hallway, I could hear her raised voice through the phone. I pretended to be asleep, just to save him the embarrassment. That is, until I heard him groan on the other side of the door. I instantly knew he hadn’t grabbed a key card, and would be too polite to knock, not wanting to wake any of us. I quietly slipped out of the bed, conveniently closest to the door, and let him in.
His eyes were red, and his hair was messy which told me he’d been aggressively running his hand through it. He did look embarrassed to see me, but I offered him a small smile. Then, without a single word, I stepped away and went back to bed.
I can’t help but feel like Justin wanted me to stay gone even if I’m not the only one. His entire household did come back along with me. He talks to all of us even less than he was, and I prefer his silence to all the snapping and yelling. Amelia has had to step in a couple times when he lost his patience, and send me home. She doesn’t blame me as far as I can tell, but she doesn’t realize how much it makes me feel like I’m being punished. I love my best friend, and living with her isn’t so bad, but it doesn’t feel like my home. I don’t know what that does feel like, but Justin’s must come close.
Only a week after we’ve returned, he lets me into his room with no intention of talking anything through. I’m hesitant, but I want to try anyway. Maybethistimehe won’t freak out if I pry a little. I don’t think he can keep things bottled up forever. Everyone has a limit, don’t they?
I look around the room, taking in the space that’s starting to look less familiar to me. An ache builds in my chest at the reminder of what’s become of our relationship. This distant and cold person is not who he is, and I want the old version back.
He grabs my wrist and tries to pull me towards his bed at the same moment my eyes land on a pair of earrings on his nightstand. Dainty things with a blue stone.
I subconsciously tug on my unpierced ear, and feel some things click into place about the last few months. Things that should have clicked a long time ago. He doesn’t see where mygaze has landed, or understand why I’m frozen, so he pulls me again.
